The Exploding Butler of Hump Hall, Part I

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Monday, 7 May 2012

image for The Exploding Butler of Hump Hall, Part I
A Crack Yard Mechanic Tunes The Ford Anglia Overhead Camshaft Pursuit Vehicle

'That was the local force from Rottingdean', said Inspector Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi; 'the butler has exploded at Hump Hall and they're calling the Yard in to investigate.'

Inspector Corner, of the Yard, placed the receiver down and turned to Detective Pong, "We got to go and investigate an exploding Butler at Hump Hall in Sussex Pong.

"Where's Sussex Pong Sir?" asked the Detective.

"No Pong, not Sussex Pong, just Sussex, Pong".

"Thats what I asked Sir, where is Sussex Pong".

"Get the car out Pong, we are going to Hump Hall".

'Oh no you aren't!' cried Constable Hall, 'I'm a married man!'

'Shut up you fool' shouted Detective Pong, going off to the lavatory before the trip (if he had waited until after the trip it would have been too late).

Inspector Corner sat in the special Ford Anglia overhead camshaft pursuit vehicle, waiting. Inspector Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi stood by the car in the rain.

'Why can't I come too' asked Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi. 'You've been written out', said Corner, 'your name takes too long to type. The writers would get repetitive strain injury.'

They waited a bit more. 'Where's that Pong?' asked Inspector Corner. 'It must be the drains', said Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi.

Eventually Detective Pong got into the Ford Anglia. They waited a bit more.

After two hours Detective Pong said: 'what are we waiting for?'

'We haven't got a driver', said Inspector Corner.

'I can drive', said Dirk 'Cast Iron' Alibi. 'Shut up, you've been written out', cried Corner.

'I've had an idea', said Detective Pong. 'What's that?', said Corner. 'I think I'll grow a moustache', said Pong. 'It's going to be a long night', said Corner.

But eventually, three hours later, they set off. They had brought Constable Hall and Sergeant Hump with them to do the driving and the legwork.

They pulled up outside Hump Hall near Rottingdean, and were greeted by Sergeant Watt of Sussex Constabulary.

They stopped the Ford Anglia overhead camshaft pursuit vehicle outside Hump Hall, before getting out.

This, they had learned, was the best way to go about it.

First they had tried to get out before stopping, only to discover that there was nobody left in the car to apply the brakes and switch the engine off and all that.

Next they tried to stop inside Hump Hall, but that upset Fiste, the agency butler who had replaced Nacker, the butler whose explosion it was that had brought them into the hall in the first place (well, it was the second place really, since in the first place they had tried to get out of the car before stopping and had fallen about all over the perfectly-gravelled drive and the car had come to a halt in the statue of Wellington).

But at last they seemed to have hit it off just right.

'Good afternoon', greeted Constable Watt, of Sussex Constabulary.

'What?' said Detective Pong. They hadn't wound down any windows or opened a door yet.

'How did you know my name?' asked Constable Watt, but the joke was lost on them, since they couldn't hear.

It was no loss really though, as Constable Watt wasn't joking in the first place.

'Welcome to Hump Hall' said Watt.

'Thanks' replied Sergeant Hump and Constable Hall.

'Don't we get a welcome?' said Inspector Corner and Detective Pong.

'What?' said Constable Watt.

Detective Pong gazed about him. 'What fascinating gargoyles', he mused.

'Don't talk like that about the servants', said Constable Watt, 'they're all on edge as it is.'

Corner looked at him. 'And you are?'

'Well spotted' said Watt.

Corner blanched. He loved almonds, and he did all his own blanching. 'Have you got measles?' he asked, kindly.

'No, I'm all right', replied Kindly, the gardener's apprentice from behind a dungheap.

Corner sighed. 'What's your name?' he asked Watt.

'That's right', asnwered Watt.

Corner looked at him. 'All right, Constable Wright, lead us to the master of the house.'

Watt stared. 'But Constable Wright is on leave at the seaside', he said. 'He's had some trouble and is having a break.'

'Littlehampton?' asked Detective Pong.

'That's a bit personal', said Watt.

'What?' said Corner.

'Yes, I'm here, what now?' asked Watt.

'It's going to be a long night' said Corner, as the front door creaked open to reveal Lord Hump in his camel hair coat and all the little Humps alongside him.

Just as Lord Hump was about to speak there was a loud explosion within the house followed by much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

'We've got the travelling dentist in' said Lord Hump. 'But what was that explosion?'

One of the housemaids came running out. 'The agency man's exploded' she cried. 'Whatever shall we do?'

Lord Hump grimaced. 'Fiste the butler!' he exclaimed.

'Oh no, Sir, I won't be doin that agin in a hurry, couldn't get me hand out last time!'

'It's going to be a long night' said Corner, listening to the song of the crow and the widgeon as they encircled the ruined West Wing.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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