Individual Replies to my Unsolicited Mail senders

Written by Inchcock

Tuesday, 13 March 2012


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image for Individual Replies to my Unsolicited Mail senders
I do not like, nor can I afford Pizza!

Individual Replies to my Unsolicited Mail received over the last 10 days:

From Southern Electric/Nottingham City Council:
Offering me the chance of, Cavity Wall insulation @ only £49
Reply: "Thank you kindly for the unsolicited offer. I already have cavity wall insulation. However, should anyone ask me about such a service, I will undoubtedly pass on your colourful leaflet.

From Eddieble Promotions:
Local (never heard of any) Artists at The Maze - Admission only £4
Reply:"It was wonderful of you to think of me and invite me to your music shows. However at 64 years of age, and remembering proper music that one could hear the words of, and my impecunious situation, I'll have to decline your magnificent offer. Thank you all the same."

From Papa Johns Better Pizza
Reply:"Bless you, but I do not like pizzas, nor can I afford them. Nice of you to offer though."

From Nottingham University Hospitals - Cardiac Rehabilitation City Campus
Kindly pointing out that due to cutbacks my attendance requirements have been cut by 50% and they can no longer facilitate me, but if I call to see them, they may be able to put me on the YMCA Rehabilitation gym course.
Reply:"Thank you."

From Simon Grzegorz:
Leaflet: Local Trained Plumping Services (yes, it read 'Plumping')?
Reply:"I hope that plumping was a misspelling for Plumbing on your leaflet Sir."

From The Mind Shop Charity:
Plastic bag for me to fill with donated goods
Reply:"Many thanks for bag, and I wish you all the best for the future."

From Canning Kebabs:
Menu, Pizzas - Chicken - BBQ - Masala Fish
Reply:"Kind thought droppong off your menu for me, but I do not eat, nor can I afford take-away food. Thanks."

From St Johns Church:
Invite to meeting to 'Explore the Seven Sacraments'
Reply:"In the event that I wishing to 'Explore the Seven Sacraments', please be aware that I will so it with 'Primitive Methodist' guidance. Thank you all the same."

From Avon:
Opportunity to earn extra cash?
Reply:"Being a short, fat, bald old fart of a so called man, I find no need for Avon products to enhance my life. And I sure as hell would not have the gaul to try and sell them to anyone else when the pound shop offers similar non-branded stuff!"

From Max's Pizzas:
Menu, Burgers, SF Chicken, Kebabs, Pizzas
Reply:"I cannot afford, nor do I like this foreign shit! Do not post any more leaflets here please!"

From Dr Barnardos Charity:
Plastic bag for me to fill with donated goods
Reply:"I am just surviving on a pension, have many illnesses and ailments, am on my own, lonely, depressed, and I hate kids. Sod off!"

From Third World Clothing:
Leaflet, Third World Clothing Collection Day is Wednesday
Reply:"Your joking aint yer? It'll get worse here if Cameron stays in power, then we'll be sending bags for you lot to fill for us!"

From Kebabish Takeaway
Menu, Burgers, Chicken, Pizzas
Reply:"I cannot afford, nor do I like this crap food on offer. Please leave me alone!"

From Green Thumb:
Leaflet, Let us take care of your Lawn - Aeration, Pest Management, Slowmow, Scarification, Disease Control - Call the Lawn Expert!
Reply:"Who do you employ as leafleters? Surely the fact that I have no garden must have sunk in?"

From American Pizza:
Takeaway Menu
Reply:"Crap food, crap prices, go away!"

Nottingham City Council:
Leaflet: Remember to vote on the 20mph zone in your area

From Wintons Blinds & Carpets:
Leaflet: Free Measurements - Quotations & Fitting, but be quick!
Reply:"I suppose you notice my curtains falling to pieces did you? Taht is because I cannot afford to replace them, and even if I did, I am physically unable to get up to hang them. Go forth and multiply."

From Indian Palace:
Menu: Free Onion Bhaji on orders over £20
Reply:"No thank you, I get enough smell from my neighbours when they are cooking!"

From NG5:
Magazine full of advertising
Reply:"Had I been a businessman instead of an impecunious depressed and sick pensioner, I might have been interested in this magazine - in which by the way there are two typographical errors on the front page!"

From Virgin Media
Offering me a special price to join their packages of TV, Mobile, Internet & Phone services, or variable mixes of.
Reply:"When I was made redundant 3 years ago, and wrote to you explaining my reason for cancelling my package in an enforced economy drive, I'd hoped someone would have read it - piss off!"

From Kwik Fit
Leaflet offering 25% off selected tyres
Reply:"Having had to get rid of my car due to redundancy and ill health, I am no longer tempted by your lies and underhand treatment of customers."

From Tops Pizza
Menu - buy one - get one Free!
Reply:"Sod off, I don't like um!"

From UK Pizza
Menu - Free Garlic Bread with orders over £15!
Reply:"How kind of you to put the rain forests and survival of mankind at risk by supplying me with another unwanted Pizza leaflet.

Ten slogans to remind you of what you are doing to the environment!:

1. Plant a tree and get air for free

2. If you cut a tree you cut your life

3. The tree is your friend

4. Feel free to plant a tree

5. Trees are the roots of all living

6. A tree that stay, keep flood away

7. Protect the trees

8. There is no life without Green

9. Fresh air from a tree let us be

10. Take care of the trees, they will take care of you

The main reason for My complaining about unsolicited mail though are:

I cannot bend down to pick the bastards up off the floor without pain!

They leave the letterbox open, allowing the cold to come in!

I cannot afford my electricity bills now!

I cannot afford to buy anything that is advertised!

All these reasons increase my frustration and depression, get my blood pressure up, and make me want to commit murder!

Just a few thoughts!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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