Written by Roy Turse

Saturday, 26 February 2011


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image for It's Family Fortunes with the Gaddafis!
Seriously - is this the best quiz show picture on the Internet?

-It's All Star Celebrity Family Fortunes and I am your host Vermin K!

(crowd - yaaay!)

-Welcome! Welcome everyone to the show. Welcome to All Star Celebrity Family Fortunes!

-Now we have two families here who I'm sure you'll all know and I know you'll want to give them both a really big cheer.

(crowd - yaaay!)

-From Exeter it's the Asherwoods!

(crowd - yaay!)

-And from Libya it's the Gaddafis!

(crowd - yay!)

-Now, Mr and Mrs Asherwood, you run a hardware store is that right?

Yes - we do - it's a family business and we're proud of it. Proud of the hardware, proud of the service to customers, proud of the . . hardware.

-And you have an interesting story about Embarrasing Bodies don't you?

Yes! We are even prouder..

Or more proud..

Or more prouder, of being featured on Channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies!

(crowd - snigger)

-What, the TV show that highlights horrific physical deformity to hilarious effect?

(crowd snigger, snigger)

Yes! We are flat-faced and proud!

(crowd - yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)

Yeah - Go Flatties!

(crowd - yaaaaaay!)

And my scrotum is completely flat and rectangular. A4 in fact!

. . .

-Brilliant! And our next family are the Gaddafis. What do you do?

Well, young, tall man, we run a country which has recently had some problems but has been really great for more than forty years! All the big countries support us!

-Well that sounds great! So it's the Asherwoods and the Gaddafis. Let's play All Star Celebrity Family Fortunes!

(crowd - yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!)

-OK, OK, so our first question is this: We surveyed a hundred random people. We asked them, if they were disfigured and/or the dictators of an African country would they -

a) try to solicit world peace, even if it meant not appearing on a television reality show

b) exert their control over the populace - even if it meant getting bad publicity

c) reduce the cost of replacement toilet cistern flapper valves, even by a few pence

d) try to get awarded presidency of the United Nations Human Right Commission

Bzzzz! Exert control over… well, whatever it said. Exert control! Exert Control!

-Correct! Sixty five percent of people surveyed said that - well done!

(crowd - yaay!)

-Now, out of a hundred people surveyed, we asked - as a western power, if a Middle-East dictatorship seems to be friendly to western interests, even though in the past they had supported the IRA, trained and equipped terrorists and sanctioned international atrocities, do you:

a) put aside your differences for the benefit of all our children

b) allow them to pitch a a massive tent next to your local key government building - you know, the one that the country holds dear as an emblem of democracy - oh, and allow it to be filled with hookers in full view of the press

c) Cut them off from aid with a stern reprimand, and a nonchalant gesture at your domestic wind turbine programme

d) Eat whatever bodily excretions are dished up at those so-called Bedouin banquets and offer more assistance in return for a finger in any oily pies

e) Send out your very best arms dealers to capitalise on the unfortunate situation

c! . . . C!

-What, cut them off from aid with a stern reprimand and point. . .

No! I meant A! Put aside our differences for the sake of the economy. - I mean children! Of voting age. Sorry, sorry, that's irrelevant. The economy then.

(crowd - yaaay!)

-OK, OK. Now, finally, our survey of one hundred people asked the question:
If you controlled Africa's greatest oil production but felt that you had a destiny in world politics and the future of mankind, would you:

a) attempt to broker an agreement between the most distrusting and antagonistic factions in the region

b) decide that ruling your country was paramount and that you would rather disgust the world and retain control than give way to your opponents and stand down peacefully in the face of overwhelming democratic opposition

c) take a photo of your penis and send it in to the Embarrassing Bodies 'It's OK - we are all normal' gallery of shame

d) see if you could blackmail any one of the western politicians you know into letting you stay in power (I'm on LinkedIn you know!) or if that's not an option, retire to an Italian villa with hot and cold running maids

e) win the Eurovision song contest by popular acclaim!

Well of course the answer is D! I will never back down to the forces of Al Qaeda and their coffee and ketamin attempt to take over our democratic country. Myself and Queen Elizabeth go way back - did I tell you I invented Rugby?

-Yes! Well done - you've won the car Mrs Asherwood - and on that triumphant note we bid farewell to our champions - the Asherwoods!

(crowd - yaaaaaaaaaay!)

-And our outgoing losers, the Gaddafis!

(crowd - yaaay!)

-So join us next week for another round of All Star Celebrity Family Fortunes! When the Asherwoods meet their new challengers, the Blairs!

(crowd - yay! - oh)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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