A conversation with Old Man Winter
Here at Investigative Bull Shit Network (ISBN) we decided to send our award winning investigative journalist, B.S. Hogwash, out into the field. In this case out into the snow to see if we could dispel some of the rumors about Old Man Winter. ISBN wanted to know if under that notoriously chilly disposition and cold hardheartedness is there a warm heart.
Old Man Winter… may I call you Old Man Winter or is there something else you prefer to be called?
For the purposes of this interview you may call me Mr. Winter, yes I think that will be appropriate.
Well let me first say I thank you for giving up a moment of your busy schedule to speak with us here at ISBN, and hopefully after this interview the world will have a warmer view of you. Uh let me start by asking you… uh recently you've been quite busy.
Yes… Yes I have, I am a little worn out… But I am not that old and have plenty of stamina in me. So if you think you have seen the last of me, well think again.
Yes…unfortunately we were kind of hoping that you know you would pack up and go to Florida for the rest of the winter. But…that was a doozey you sent our way that last storm. Yes, The last storm that you brought down upon the…well almost the entire United States was quite devastating..Why did you bring such fury down upon us?
Well you know so many of my siblings have gotten so much attention this year, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, I just had to let people now that old man winter was still alive and ticking. Let me tell you, and let the last major storm be a warning to you that I am still alive and I am a cold hearted son of a bitch.
So Old Man Winter do you enjoy the carnage that you bring upon the human race, or is this just something that the universe has assigned to you?
You know originally, when I first started out being a God, and all… I was assigned to be cupid….
Cupid..(laughter)
Yes, Cupid…the God of Love, but you know I just didn't have it in me. I kept looking for ways to break couples up and all. My first holiday was Black hearts day; well it didn't go over to well. You were supposed to find the person you most hated in the world, and shit in a bag, light it on fire and drop it into the entrance of their cave, and grunt three times. Which of course back then meant fire. Really funny stuff.
Isn't that a Halloween prank?
Yes, I invented that, never did get credit for it. But anyway my efforts didn't go over to well. So they gave me this shit job, controlling winter. At first I didn't really know what to do, just a couple of cold days here and there, nothing major. One day I was showing off to Mother Nature, she was pretty hot back then, but anyway I was young… and really it was a mistake, but I brought on the ice-age. It was then that I started to realize the potential of this winter thing.
After they warmed up the planet, you know it took couple thousand years to warm the earth back up. You know though, I had a great time; nothing brings me greater pleasure than seeing all you humans freezing your asses off. Man I have to tell you I love it when the snow builds up so high and you cannot get out of your caves…. Anyway they try to keep my play time to a few months, give or take.
We live in houses now Old Man Winter…sorry to interrupt.
Yes, yes. I was getting a little excited, but I love to drop snow on your asses until you're buried in it. Oh, Man, I love to watch when you're trying to shovel your driveways, and I just keep dumping snow and dumping snow. And you just get to the end of the driveway and then you have to do it all over again, because how you going to get out, or get in your driveway. Oh man do I love it. Another thing I love to watch is when you get in your four wheeled transportation devices and you try to drive on a inch of ice. Oh, you dumb fuckers slip and slide, fishfalling back and forth
I think its called fishtailing sir...
Oh man is that fun to watch. It's like watching the Three Stooges live. That's my favorite show in the summer you know, The Three Stooges.
Yes, I see you really love your job then. But don't you feel sorry for the disruptions that you cause. Really, it costs people a lot of money, businesses shutdown, and cities have to plow the roads. Cities that are already strapped for cash, and what of the many deaths caused by freezing, Really Mr. Winter with all due respect, we would all be happier with sunshine. I guess my question is do you ever feel shame for what you've done?
You know that's an interesting question, but let me answer it this way… where do they make the snow plows, the shovels, the ice scrapers ?
I suppose in a factory… uh somewhere.
Yes that is correct your brain is not completely frozen. Hah completely frozen I made a joke…
Yes… Continue.
Are you saying you want to put these people out of work? Put them out of work in this economy? Are you that heartless? Do you care for these peoples families that feed their children on the destruction that I cause?
Well?
I never really looked at it that way before. I guess.
Yes, and what of the weatherman, their families, they have to make a living to, and their families have to eat.
What would happen to the weather channel; what would people complain about then? Huh. Oh, jee, I cannot stand another day of sunshine; we are going on six hundred and ninety two days of perfect weather. I'm really sick of this shit.
No, I do a great public service. I bring foul weather, and discontent so that your entire lives can be fulfilled with something to bitch about.
