Quatermass and the Spoof writers: Part 1

Written by armfeetandtoe

Saturday, 29 January 2011


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image for Quatermass and the Spoof writers: Part 1
Quatermass telling his team member to: "Get a fukin move on"

At 3am, Quatermass and his team assembled outside Oxford Street tube station. He had made it clear to all concerned, that some of them may not return. With the two remaining team members, Quatermass began the descent down the now lifeless escalator stairs. A voice cried out.

"Hey, where am yu dam ticket mun!"
Quatermass turned to the ticket inspector.
"Are you on fukin overtime or wat?"
The inspector drew closer.
"Where is yu ticket mun? me no gonna let yu down I an I stayshon widout der ticket"

"For fucks sake!" Cried Quatermass. "We are investigating paranormal activity and there may be aliens down there, do you still want to see a ticket!?"

"Haliens! I sees dem hevery day mun! dey try to pass I bye wid dem story of loss ticket an ting! You tink you is sumet special? rass clot, give me der muney honey"

"Here, have this" said Quatermass, as he stabbed the money into the ticket inspectors hand.

The team made thier way to the bottom of the escalator and moved toward platform 1. Quatermass gathered his team around him. "This is where we think they may be hiding"

"Why are you whispering? said one of the team.
"Because, numbnuts, thats what we do in situations like this, do you want the aliens to hear us?"

"How do you know they have ears?" countered the team member.
Quatermass turned and walked three paces away. "OKAY! THEY HAVENT GOT FUCKIN EARS! HAPPY NOW! Follow me.

The team followed Quatermass onto the platform and jumped down onto the rails, slowly, they made thier way into the tunnel. A team member spoke.

"How do we know if the power has been turned off?"
Quatermass stood still and looked at the floor.
"Its like this, when you fly twenty feet into the air, with your arse on fire and your hair turning blue, you will know, that the power is on. Now then, before we go any further, are there anymore questions?"

"Are there toilets in the tunnel?"
"Fuck off", countered Quatermass.
Into the dark they went, walking slowly and dilligently.
Every now and again, there was a, "OW FUCK" as one of the team tripped on a rail. Halfway into the gloom, Quatermass stopped, and pointed to a strange eerie light.

What could it be? Tune in next week and find out.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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