Rowling threatens Suicide Over Snub in New Year's Honours List

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Monday, 3 January 2011


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No Crown for Rowling?

"So what happened this time around with the recuperating-from-poverty J.K.Rowling and that elusive Damehood? Couldn't her pals in government and the media who have been hiding her sorry ass from scrutiny for years and years swing it for her? Did she not dump enough ill-gotten spondoolicks into Labour's coffers and God knows what other powerful pockets? Kids, blogs, gremlins, foreigners, dope addicts, gay sites and her buddies in the press have been calling for her female knighthood since the year 2004, if not before. What gives? Or, aren't we allowed to ask?"

Lady Antonia Fraser beat her to the post for her "services to literature" although if you are not interested in the history of incest known as the Royal Family Tree you might be confused as to what those contributions are. Antonia writes a lot about the Royal House of Windsor and its inmates. There's a sure fire road to Damehood or what? But therein is a tip for Rowling. Book Eight is when Harry marries a princess who looks remarkably like a young Elizabeth. All is forgiven. Game, set and royal match.

Scarcely a newspaper has made comment on Rowling's conspicuous absence. Not allowed to say anything you see. Wowwings nasty wawyers might get cwoss wif dem. And you believe in "freedom of speech," don't you?. And you thought newspapers did too, didn't you> Yea, so did I. That's why I am here, trying to stand up for what I do not have, nor you. Pardon me if I pause to laugh out loud. And you have been taught too that if you sing well enough, write well enough, act well enough, play your little guitar well enough, you will rise automatically to the top, like oil on water, don't you?. Maybe your teachers didn't want to burst your little fantasy bubble by telling you the bitter truth. Of course, you will rise as if by magic believing as you must that "the magic is in you" and all that Potterology you have been weaned on. Meteroric rise to stardom as the papers dole out from time to time. How they love to use that phrase. But it isn't true. Indeed you will be a great success with even a talent as woefully mediocre as Rowling's [i(assuming she writes ANY of the stuff), if you have a ruthless Christopher Little and his legal axeman Neil Blair at your elbow and the media horsemen of the Freemasons to cover your tracks for you and polish your little manicured, squeaky-clean, nobody-had better-question-or-doubt...or-else myth. And of course, the so-called 'law firm' Schillings who are to legal practice what a lynch mob is to honouring democratic rights.

According to the Examiner this is how it works:

"The British Honours System is designed to reward British and Commonwealth citizens for civil and military service to their country. Honorees are nominated by charities, organizations, the government and by the public. Anyone can be nominated, but whether they receive the award or not depends on the committee which discusses worthiness. The awards go to the monarch for final approval."

Now then, little Potterites, if that is how it works, where is Ms Rowling? What on earth went wrong, and so often too, year in and year out? Why isn't she there? It walks like a duck, talks like a duck (even if it has to copy one) and quacks like a duck but where is the duck medal for ducksake? What royal boxes hasn't she ticked, or tickled as the case may be? What happened? Didn't even the British Exchequer think of giving the palace a quiet nudge in her direction?

What about the Foreign Office, the Home Office, Prime Minister Cameron, Barack Obama, her bosom buddy Lucifer also known as Gordon Brown aka Grand Wizard of the British Mafia that calls itself The Freemasons? Did nobody put in a word for her? Or perhaps they all tried... and failed. How come forfend?

Did nobody nominate that downtrodden, neglected soul? Have they no pity in their hearts? Did nobody sign the petition that has been on the net for yonks? Was her pre-list performance on the Oprah Winfrey show not up to scratch? Did she put on the waterproof mascara by mistake? Were they indifferent to her monumental struggle out of penury and neglect surrounded by her family and friends in Edinburgh.. that forbidden wasteland that only gets worse in August every year when it pays host to one of the biggest parties on the planet.. The Fringe Festival? Or does the Queen herself have a problem with her rival Rowling?

We can safely rule out the last, as the Queen is doting and has a problem putting on her slippers. It might all come down to that word "worthiness". What thieves are usually worthy of, is jail. Somebody on the committee may even know that. One thing is for sure, speaking as arts editor for The Scourge, we have as much chance of finding out the real reason as we have of finding out who shot President Kennedy. Ve have vays of hiding vings, is their trusted motto. But we are free to speculate are we not? Or do we have to queue up to ask Schillings' permission or Blair's or Little's? Will little infants soon be served writs for crying in public?

NOTE: Manager of the Global Harry Potter Fan Club, Olaf The Gullible has decided to protest on Rowling's behalf by strapping a Harry Potter novel to his crotch and sitting atop Nelson's column, naked. "The woman just needs some recognition and a wee bit of support," he explained. "This is a travesty of justice!"
People think the Freemasons put him up to it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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