Rowling causes Global Mass-Rioting over Parking Ticket Offence

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Tuesday, 28 December 2010


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Police wait for Water Canons to arrive outside No.10.

It began with a humble parking ticket being slapped on J.K.Rowling's Rolls Royce as it loitered outside Buckingham Palace where she had called in to visit her rival, the Queen of England, in company with Gordon Brown, Neil Blair and her agent Christopher Little. So said her Scottish chauffeur and confidant Alexander McCall-Smith. Their mission was to present a tailored biography, (the cosmetic job we are all familiar with) to Her Majesty to help her reach a decision to include Joanne and her agent Little in the forthcoming New Year's Honours List.

Rowling refused to pay the fine on the grounds that she was "on Her Majesty's Service" at the time. Thus calling into legal aid a law rushed through the House in 1980 by Maggie Thatcher exonerating business people from having to pay any sort of fine for any offence whatsoever involving warships, the selling of arms to undeveloped countries, poison-gas manufacture, mass murder, or Rolls Royces.

Rowling tore up the fine in front of witnesses and it looked like she was headed for court until her PR agency "Hoodwink & Dupe" part-owned by Rowling's legal reps Schillings of London sprang into action.

Many London schools and kindergartens were contacted by the agency and some ten thousand kids rallied to march barefoot (in honour of Rowling's seven weeks of unemployment in Edinburgh in 1993) on Downing Street waving placards saying "Leave Joanne Alone!", "Free Joanne!, "Joanne is Innocent!," "Have you no Feelings?", "God is Angry!", "God Wants Joanne to have a Rolls and the latest Playstation!", etc.

Similar demonstrations took place in Berlin, Belfast, Edinburgh, Paris, and many other major cities around the world from Buenos Aires to Peking. Workers at the Rolls Royce Bristol factory downed tools and England's National Union of Journalists assembled in protest at Trafalgar Square. They were closely supervised by Hoodwink & Dupe's private army of failed writers and Rowling supporters called The Sturmbloggers.

Bristol artist Banksy", a good friend of Rowling's, 'borrowing' images from the work of The Bogside Artists got fellow artists to paint a large mural outside Christies in support of the protest.

Authorities were useless in the situation although riot police did consider stun-guns and pepper spray at one stage. Instead, in what was quickly developing into a security threat, Ms J.K.Rowling was beseeched by the Home Office to take control of the situation. It took hours to contact her as neither her publisher Bloomsbury, staff at Little's literary agency or anyone at Schillings' offices were prepared to give out her mobile number. A Schillings' spokesman indeed said they "had never heard of her".

A mammoth LCD monitor was hastily erected outside 10 Downing Street. In a rare television interview Rowling addressed the throng. Stifling back tears and wiping her nose on her sleeve she implored the children to return to their homes stressing that she "had decided to pay the fine after all" in honour of her father who worked for years at Bristol's Rolls Royce factory.

Unfortunately, at that point, her emotions seemed to be getting the better of her:"I am so, so, so, very, very, VERY sorry. I love all my fans very, very, VERY much and I would love to read to each of you from my books at night, in particular the part about Dumbledore being a fag because many of us have doubts about our brothers and even our dads, don't we, boys and girls? But, you can see how nobody ever, ever, EVER listens to me and I am ignored especially over breakfast and when the TV is on or when we have important visitors." Then, she collapsed in a heap and two nurses came out of nowhere to help her from her chair. One of them looked remarkably like Jeremy Paxman.

"I was really, really convincing wasn't I? I honestly think that was my best or am I being fraudulent again? Was my mascara running properly Christopher? Where is the jet?" she was heard to whisper as she handed over the speech for her mentor to finish.

Neil Blair stayed in the background to monitor the correct usage of the words he had composed for Rowling's address, including emphases, pauses and stage directions. Little insisted that only his voice be heard and kept his bead bowed throughout while in front of the cameras.

Like his co-thief and legal partner Blair, Little has been shunning the limelight since he 'discovered' Joanne. Ever since, neither he nor his partner Blair like to be seen in any form of media publicity, particularly the sort engineered by themselves, and especially not on television where neither has appeared more than once in fifteen years. Photos of either are impossible to find even on the internet. During filming the director had to call out to all present: "Which one of you is Neil Blair? Please put up your hand so that I can see you! And which one of you is Christopher Little? This is your broadcast for chrissakes; come out from wherever you are this instant!"

It is rumoured they are terrified of being kidnapped by a splinter group of the IRA but have refused to explain why this should be so. Hoodwink & Dupe have denied this flatly, saying "neither of these honourable gentlemen have anything to hide. One is a shy and sensitive lawyer and the other is a self-effacing contemplative recluse". When it was pointed out to them that the 'recluse' spent much of his time in Hollywood Los Angeles brokering film deals and was renowned throughout London for his mad, lavish parties and that "a shy and sensitive lawyer" was about as rare as a crocodile whistling "We are the Champions" during a feeding frenzy, their publicity manager Malcolm Robertson refused any comment saying he had "a terminal illness".

An American reporter suggested that the whole thing had been staged to promote the latest Harry Potter movie "Harry Potter and the Magic Rolls Royce". In response to which Hoodwink & Dupe's co-founder, Bryony Evens, shouted "Get fucked you lying bitch!" and, gone totally beserk, had to be tasered by a police officer as she dragged the reporter to the ground by her blond hair. It is said by those who know her that Evens never did quite get over being snubbed by her friend Rowling. She had not been invited to the launch of the first Harry Potter novel that she in fact had 'discovered' and 'recommended to Chris'. And who could blame her... even if they believed it?

In any event, the broadcast succeeded in dispersing the crowd. Elsewhere around the world the situation was not so easily contained as the television broadcast failed to reach the poorer countries. A great many arrests were made. The pope appealed from his balcony for calm, and a signed photo of Joanne Rowling that he said he would fix up himself on PhotoShop.

In a light-hearted moment Prime Minister David Cameron emerged from Number 10 to tell press.
"It shows better than anything how much Joanne is loved and I have to say for a minute there I was afraid that I might have to hand back to Barry Cunningham of Bloomsbury Publishing the half-percent share in overseas sales of Jo's next book "Harry Potter Eats a Library" that he kindly gave to me last week for my birthday."

And word is just coming in that Oprah Winfrey will be dedicating her next show to "Child Abuse and Parking Tickets... The Hidden Connections". Also on the show will be the world's first live HD broadcast in America of a man having a sex change operation. It will have Voice Over provided by fan and friend of Rowling's - actor Ewan McGregor as he recites quotations from Dumbledore believed to have been written by Rowling herself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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