The Labour Leadership Rules of Engagement

Funny story written by Jonathan Wain

Monday, 26 July 2010

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With the contenders for the leadership of the Labour Party battling it out across the country, we thought now would be an ideal time to answer the most frequently asked questions that we have received about this contest:

How do you become candidates?

Successful leadership candidates have to be nominated by 12.5% of the Parliamentary Labour Party, past and present. Votes from deceased MP's can be obtained by use of a reputable psychic, but in the interest of fairness the vote must then be confirmed by a second independent party with a proven ability to communicate with the other side.

Who can vote in the contest?

Labour MPs, Members of the European Parliament, party members and members of affiliated organisations, such as trades unions and socialist societies, are all entitled to vote in the election. However in 1997 former Labour MPs' were also given a vote along with families, friends, employees and most pets of serving Labour MPs'.

How is the vote conducted?

The vote is broken down into three sections. Section 1 is Labour MPs, MEPs and acquaintances, section 2 is party members and section 3 is members of affiliate organisations. As it is easily the largest group the Labour MPs, MEPs and acquaintances currently account for 95% of the final result.

When will the vote take place?

Voting will take place between the 16th August and the 22nd September with the winner being announced on the first day of the party's conference in Manchester on the 25th September. Rumour has it that the vote is not being rushed in the hope that the general public will become bored of the process long before this. This would guarantee a lack of scrutiny when the Milibands' become the first joint and interchangeable leaders of the Labour Party.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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