How to Become a Sex Machine

Funny story written by Daniel Bristol

Tuesday, 2 March 2010


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Sex: Is it really what's for dinner?

All right, so the two of you are having sex, going at it like crazy . . . but only one of you climaxes, right?

And guess what? It isn't her!

Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of the medical profession, this scenario is true for countless couples all over the world. Well, have no fear, fuckers! The Spoof has asked me to compile 10 things that can get in the way of an orgasm for both partners!

1. Distractions: All right, so maybe a mariachi band has its place as a way of injecting romantic music into your love life. But having them stand right next to the bed playing La Cucaracha might be a bad idea.

2. Bad technique. Okay, genius. Not in her bellybutton. And what you've been doing looks more like an 80 year old drunk trying to breakdance. Next time, try the Kama Sutra instead of Doc Severinsens' "50 Ways Not to Have Sex Very Well."

3. Breaks and Lube. While breaks may be part of every unionized worker's bill of rights, they don't exactly contribute to the passion of the moment. Wait until after sex to have that cigarette and beer. Oh, and while we aren't arguing the merits of standard motor oil as a lubricant, it doesn't belong down there!

4. Sleep Deprivation. Let's get this one right out of the way. Nodding off in the middle of coitus is just bad for your partner's self esteem! Furthermore, while sleep deprivation might sound like an enticing part of the whole domination/submission kick, it will turn his naughty bits into wobbly bits. Get some sleep, idiots!

5. Low Self Image. Guys, remember to tell your gal she's the hottest thing since Raquel Welch. And try to avoid making comments like, "Oh I'm so glad your ass is bigger than my last girlfriend's", especially during sex. She will kill you.

6. Fear of babies. Not the fear of an unwanted pregnancy. I mean being afraid of babies. It will ruin the moment if you're worried about being suddenly attacked by a killer baby, even though it is a totally rational fear. I mean, babies are just damned scary, with all that goo-goo talk and pooping! Creepy!

7. Motherhood. If the woman just gae birth a few minutes ago, try to understand if she's not in the mood.

8. Female Vs. Male Sexuality. For men it's all very simple: "OH GOD JUST STICK IT IN SOMEWHERE I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! GET AWAY FROM THAT SOCKET! IS THAT A KNOTHOLE? AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!" Then we explode and fall asleep about ten seconds after.

With women it's a physics equation: O(rgasm)=r(oses)+m(assage)/Ro(mantic dinner)^N(ice Music)/Mo(od)*F(eelings toward this guy)+C(onsidering whather or not she wants kids with you) . . . . and so on. By the time she's done calculating all this the guy has probably blown his O-nut, ordered pizza, eaten it all, taken a nap, and watched a movie.

9. Guilt. This is only applicable if you're Catholic or female.

And of course, let's not forget that most dreaded of all factors in killing the sexual ambience:

10. The alcohol wears off and you realize you're in bed with Sasquatch.

Given the sum of these factors, it's no wonder erectile dysfunction is so rampant! Not for me, of course!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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