Written by victor nicholas

Monday, 22 February 2010

image for The Moorview Institute Chapter 27 - Lobotomies Made Simple
A Monkey could do it

The knock on the door startled him. Melvin Lipshitz was worried of late. The Moorview institute was in trouble and he knew it. Not only was he short-staffed with the influx of new patients but staff had been listing multiple personalities as separate patients as well while doctor's were falling behind on procedures for existing patients.

He gazed at the Rubik's cube he kept on his desk and cursed it under his breath.

"Cause of most of my problems, damn cube!"

Not bothering to stand Lipshitz shouted "Come in." Eloise strode through the door purposefully, more serious than usual since the passing of Gertude but still radiant.

"Good news Doctor, you have a guest, the new brain surgeon Dr. Vince has arrived!"

Libshitz looked relieved. He had personally led a search for new brain surgeons for the Institute to deal with the backlog and Dr. Vince seemed to fit the bill.
Lipshitz's excitement showed as he stood and shook the hand of the dynamic young surgeon whom he had only seen on television. He had marveled at the skill of the young surgeon and the miraculous new surgical procedures listed on his resume. It was obvious from the headset he wore that Vince used advanced technology.

Handshakes over, Dr. Vince immediately got down to business, pulling a small device out of his briefcase, speaking in a loud self-assured manner.


"Depression, schizophrenia and multiple personalities getting you down? Don't have the time in your busy schedule for psychiatric evaluation, psycho chemotherapy and brain surgery? I know I don't."

"I gotta tell ya about this new and simple way to do lobotomies in twenty minutes or less. It's a new invention called the Slap-Chop scientifically designed by scientists not regular guys like you and me and your uncle Dunkel."

"So here we go, starting at the cerebral cortex, have someone from maintenance open up the brain for you using carpenter tools, you don't need to do that, then just add a carrot and an onion, don't even need to take the skin off, just a few bangs to the Slap-Chop like that, Easy-Lisa-Peasy , there you go, aggressive behavior and seizures gone, who needs seizures anyway, right? Life's hard enough as it is. Look it keeps getting better, you get a lobotomy while keeping childhood memories and short-term memory intact you can't get any better than that am I right? Then you just add some mayo and lettuce, put it on a hoagie and you have a sandwich to much on when you're done. Are you lovin it?"

"So what if you had two, three or more patients at one time, some patients have multiple personalities so who's to say until they come in on a gurney, right? That's where we start to have some fun, other lobotomies need a real doctor, with the slap chop you just open things, Mark an X with a Sharpie and go to it, a Monkey could do it, it's that simple."

"If you order your Slap-Chop now we will send you Brain Games to aid in recovery absolutely free. Scientifically designed by Mark Lowton, Brain Games are fun and easy. Full workouts can be done in less than ten minutes per day and include such things as counting to two, guessing your name and moaning with your eyes closed."

"Start your training today."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more