Dear Kent Pete: Am I Gay?

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Monday, 28 December 2009


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Dear Kent Pete

I'm a 33 year old man and am concerned that I might be gay. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate homosexuals. Virtually all of my lovers from the age of 16 have been gay men and if I ever go out it tends to be to gay clubs and bars. I'm a life member of the Pink Punters in Milton Keynes. However I don't want to 'follow the yellow brick road' if infact I am a closet heterosexual.

When I masturbate all I think about is penises. Big penises, small penises, cut and uncut penises, bent penises, straight penises, wide penises, narrow penises, brown penises, white penises, black, even yellow penises (*). If I ever get an image of a women flash into my head it turns me right off. I get turned on seeing lumps in men's trousers, conversely I feel physically sick if I accidentally brush up against a women's breast on say a bus or high speed train.

My mother keeps asking me when I am going to find 'a nice girl'. She has promised to help out with a down payment on a flat if I 'settle down'. I have tried to drop hints. I even wore a T Shirt with the slogan 'I love Big Cocks' to her retirement party. She promptly sent me a copy of the 'Hand Book of Poultry Farming and Feed Formulations' second edition.

However every sexual relationship I have had so far has been with a man. I fantasize about men in all forms. Happy fat men, slim moody men, rich arrogant men, even poor clinically depressed men. Women on the other hand repulse me physically. Don't get me wrong, I love them as companions. My best friend is called Rebecca. There is nothing I enjoy more than going round to her house, snuggling up with a box of chocolates or taking her dogs for a long walk in Richmond Park. But, pardon the language, the thought of stroking her Chihuahua makes my skin crawl.

Please help Kent Pete,

Am I gay ?

John, 33

Iver, Bucks (if only)

Kent Pete says:

For what it's worth John I don't think you are gay at all. My wife Mrs Steve has always found me physically repulsive. Only last weekend she gave global warming as an excuse to avoid sexual intimacy.

She spends all of her spare time at the Gingerbeer Club in Central London and often brings home her 'friend' who calls herself 'PC Gash'. As far as I am aware she is not a Policewoman and her surname is McKinnon.

We have not had intercourse since the second week of the Falklands War.

But is she gay, of course not. That would be ridiculous.

I believe you are as straight as the next man.

What you must realise John is that sexual preference has absolutely nothing to do with sexual preference.

(*) Accredited as the sentence with the most penises in it . 'The Ultimate Book of Useless Information' 2009 , Noel Botham

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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