Ode To An Irish Builder

Written by Monkey Woods

Thursday, 17 December 2009

image for Ode To An Irish Builder
Mr Fergus McCarthy (artist's impression)

Oh, Fergus! You are the one for me!
Well ... one of 'the ones'
I do have a few other 'friends' on here, you know
You're not THAT special!

But Fergus, dear comrade, our post-midnight chats,
They meant so much to me
Although, all that posting and waiting for responses (sometimes until the next night!)
We might as well have picked up the telephone and spoken to each other like most normal human beings do.

I often sit here and wonder
"What does Fergus look like?
Is he gargoylish, like those hideous stone creatures sat atop town centre municipal buildings?
Does he have potatoes growing out of his ears like all Irish people do?
Or is he a stunning Adonis, flexing his muscular frame, triumphantly tossing his blond locks before a plethora of young vixens sprawled around his feet?"

Yeah, right.

Fergie, Fergie! Not the Scottish football manager, you realise,
Although, our Fergus does, indeed, follow Melchester United,
With their visually striking red shirts, white shorts and black socks (or white socks - Jesus, I wish they'd make their minds up!)
A true fan, through thick and thin he's followed them,
Although, it has to be said, mostly thick.

A builder by trade,
And then again, they all say that, don't they?
These Irish fellas,
"We can do anything, Missus,
Your driveway? Your guttering? Kitchen extension?"

Jacks-of-all-trades, masters of one - drinking
Perhaps his house will fall down.

Oh, Fergus, I love thee!
And all your countrymen
Well, actually, just you
I don't know any other Irish blokes
Thank God.

Woods 2009

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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