Sports Sphere Magazine (Fall Edition)

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 21 October 2009


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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image for Sports Sphere Magazine (Fall Edition)
Packer's fan Gorzento Sangiovese (in black knit cap) at a Green Bay - New England game.

The following is a question and answer column that appears within the sports section of Sports Sphere Magazine.

Dear Sports Sidekick: I am 43-years-old and I have been a Green Bay Packers fan since I was 10 months old. My boss who is a Chicago Bears fan says that the Packers name comes from a pornographic term for [EXPLICIT TERM DELETED BY EDITOR]. Is that true?
Gorzento Sangiovese
Green Bay, Wisconsin

Dear Gorzento: No that is not the derivation of the team name Packers. If I had a dime for every time someone has written in asking that question I would have about 170 dimes. The name Packers actually derives from the name of the old Packard car, which was once manufactured at the Packard plant in Green Bay. Over the years the name evolved into Packer after a print shop that prints up the game programs messed up and left out the second 'a,' and replaced it with an 'e,' and completely omitted the last letter 'd.'

Dear Sports Sidekick: In high school and college, I lettered in football, baseball, and basketball and I was voted the Best Athlete in my high school. I was wondering if you played any sports in high school or college.
Bart "The Jock" Carboneau
Idaho Falls, Idaho

Dear Bart: Yes I did. I was voted the third best athlete to ever play at Lickskillet High School (Ohio). I was voted the second best football player to ever play at Lickskillet. I was voted the best baseball player to ever play at Lickskillet. And I was named by five of the six Lickskillet cheerleaders as having the biggest you-know-what that they had ever seen. I did not have sex with the sixth cheerleader because she had a boyfriend, but she knew.

Dear Sports Sidekick: One of my neighbors Howie Flagstone, who is a basketball fanatic, told me that the New Jersey Nets will be moving to Nairobi, Kenya next year and become the Nairobi Nets. Is there any truth to that?
Irving Rosenthal, IV
New York City, New York

Dear Irving: First of all does Howie drink. Secondly, if he does, does he drink a lot. And thirdly, if he does drink a lot please get Howie into an alcoholic rehab center as soon as possible. And to answer your question, no the Nets will not be moving to Nairobi.

Dear Sports Sidekick: All week I have heard nothing but the phrase, "Junior hasn't called," over and over and over again. Do me a favor Junior. Please call you mother! You know that I quit drinking 30 years ago, but son, I swear the woman is going to drive me to drink if you don't call her soon.
Lickskillet, Ohio

Dear Dad: Please do not drink. I promise that I will call mom the day after tomorrow. By the way did your ear hair infection ever clear up?

Coming in the next edition of Sports Sphere Magazine: Gender Testing in The NFL and why it is really a complete waste of time, effort, and money.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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