We met Skoob1999 at a south coast pub for this interview. He appeared to be suffering delerium tremens from a lack of alcoholic beverages, so we bought him a pint of his favourite 'wife beater' tipple and retired to a corner, where he insisted on sitting with his back to the wall so that nobody could, in his own words "Jap" him.
Our first reaction was: what a scruffy bastard.
Skoob1999 was unshaven, smelled strongly of alcohol, and was bleary of eye. Strangely, he was wearing a full length leather coat, slightly more impressive than that which his somewhat dubious avatar sports.
This Spoof reporting team asked him about this.
"I like long coats, especially black leather ones, and the cashmere coats they wear in Italy in winter. I've got one of those too. And I like to wear black. It suits me because I'm kind of pale, but not pale in A Michael Jackson - God Rest Him - way."
As the booze flowed, Skoob became more gregarious as the shakes eased off. So we commenced the interview proper.
SPOOF:- How did you become a Spoof writer?
SKOOB:- I have no idea. I just turned the computer on one day and there I was. So I just ran with it. Or rather, staggered. Must have been pissed up or something because I can't remember starting it.
SPOOF:- You started off with a number of fictional tales about a reputed Neasden gangster, named Arthur Pewty. What was that all about.
SKOOB:- To be honest, I thought it would help to make an impact. But it didn't. As time passed, I realised that writers for the Spoof are much better than I ever gave them credit for. Some of the stuff they come up with is pure satirical genius. I thought, maybe I could match that, but I obviously couldn't, and still can't.
SPOOF:- Why do you think that is?
SKOOB:- It's obvious really. I'm a bit of an egomaniacal wanker who thinks he can do things better than anybody else. Obviously not. Get the fucking beer in, I'm done with this one.
SPOOF:- Do you intend to continue contributing to the world's most irreverent website, theSpoof.com?
SKOOB:- Well, probably. As long as that Lowton fella and the others tolerate me. But since the Chamone thing, when I was waylaid by a picture which later turned out to be Jesus bastard Budda in disguise, I'm not so sure.
SPOOF:- Is it really true that you're a Manchester United fan?
SKOOB:- Yeah. What of it?
SPOOF:- Nothing. Put the bottle down.
SKOOB:- I'm not violent. Really.
SPOOF:- Changing tack here slightly, is Mrs Skoob a character you made up because you're a sad bastard or is she a real person?
SKOOB:- Course she's a real person you fuckin' donut. She's the wife. And if I don't get this interview concluded before I finish this pint of Belgium's Finest she'll be out looking for me. I have to catch a train at 6:42 in the morning to get to work.
SPOOF:- That must be hard...
SKOOB:- That's not what Mrs Skoob usually says, but it's not so bad really. Compensation comes in the form of a prick in a Chelsea shirt who caught the same train as me the morning after the CL final in Moscow. Priceless.
SPOOF:- Is it really true that you work in a factory, in an industrial environment?
SKOOB:- That's right. You get a better quality of nutter in an industrial environment. Which is why I like it. I've worked in care for a year, which is something people should probably experience at least once in a lifetime, although the pay is shit. It's a valuable life experience. But I've had enough of all that now. Quite happy to be a number rather than just a name."
SPOOF:- Thanks for the interview, and the insight into how a Spoofer's mind works. Maybe we'll do it again sometime.
SKOOB:- WHOA there Neddy! It's your round again. Funny that...
Next interview if the daft cunt sobers up and has anything remotely sensible to say.
More as we get it.