What It Is To Be Scottish

Funny story written by matwil

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

image for What It Is To Be Scottish
'Another point of inferiority please, sorr'

You rule the United Kingdom, but don't care that you do

Not even the 'fighting Irish' dare take you on

You rule Northern Ireland, and make sure the 'fighting Irish' will never forget that you do

You believe in God, but not the Pope

Your women drink more than any Irish men could, and your women are tougher than any Irish men

You fight wars against the English like men on battlefields, not from behind hedgerows like cowards

You've fought the most savage and bloodthirsty wars in history against England, but still haven't been conquered

You don't allow street gangsters to take you over

When you're not ruling the world you're inventing everything from televisions to steam engines

You never mention the fact that the English have mass-murdered and deported most of your population, and don't bleat about trivial potato famines that would be fun compared to your own history

You're not stuck in the 1600s

You don't need to revive a dead language or revive dead sports

You don't have the world's worst inferiority complex

You've given the United States half of its Presidents and military leaders

You're the world's greatest bankers, accountants, doctors and lawyers

When you emigrate to America you become American, not Scottish-American - in other words, you take over America and let the Irish there act like immigrants

In America you found banks and businesses and national parks, and leave the Irish to sweep the floors and cut the hedges

You don't need a Saint's day and don't even know when it is, or care

Your country wasn't invented by England, and has never been invaded or conquered by anyone in 1100 years

If the IRA let off a single bomb in your country, your entire population, Protestant and Catholic, men, women and children, would take the next boat to Ireland and massacre the entire population there

You hate poetry and art, and hate charm, smarm and blarney

You're not Irish

You can (occasionally) hammer England at football and in wars

You actually do things rather than talk about them

The second you leave your country you're no longer Scottish, or are any of your offspring

You make the world's favourite drink

You have the world's worst cuisine and highest heart disease rates

You have the lowest life expectancy in the Western world

You don't take yourself or your people or your culture seriously

You're not Irish

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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