You rule the United Kingdom, but don't care that you do
Not even the 'fighting Irish' dare take you on
You rule Northern Ireland, and make sure the 'fighting Irish' will never forget that you do
You believe in God, but not the Pope
Your women drink more than any Irish men could, and your women are tougher than any Irish men
You fight wars against the English like men on battlefields, not from behind hedgerows like cowards
You've fought the most savage and bloodthirsty wars in history against England, but still haven't been conquered
You don't allow street gangsters to take you over
When you're not ruling the world you're inventing everything from televisions to steam engines
You never mention the fact that the English have mass-murdered and deported most of your population, and don't bleat about trivial potato famines that would be fun compared to your own history
You're not stuck in the 1600s
You don't need to revive a dead language or revive dead sports
You don't have the world's worst inferiority complex
You've given the United States half of its Presidents and military leaders
You're the world's greatest bankers, accountants, doctors and lawyers
When you emigrate to America you become American, not Scottish-American - in other words, you take over America and let the Irish there act like immigrants
In America you found banks and businesses and national parks, and leave the Irish to sweep the floors and cut the hedges
You don't need a Saint's day and don't even know when it is, or care
Your country wasn't invented by England, and has never been invaded or conquered by anyone in 1100 years
If the IRA let off a single bomb in your country, your entire population, Protestant and Catholic, men, women and children, would take the next boat to Ireland and massacre the entire population there
You hate poetry and art, and hate charm, smarm and blarney
You're not Irish
You can (occasionally) hammer England at football and in wars
You actually do things rather than talk about them
The second you leave your country you're no longer Scottish, or are any of your offspring
You make the world's favourite drink
You have the world's worst cuisine and highest heart disease rates
You have the lowest life expectancy in the Western world
You don't take yourself or your people or your culture seriously
You're not Irish
