Written by victor nicholas

Monday, 16 March 2009

image for Below Decks Chapter Fourteen - The French Letter

Recap: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven | Chapter Twelve | Chapter Thirteen

Captain Morse stumbled on deck shivering and murmured something about being lost on an iceberg with a monkey, "Sounds like another miasmic fantasy brought on by the quinine" Dr. Vic deduced, "their frequency is starting to concern me. A few minutes in the sea air will bring you round."

No sooner had he spoken Captain Morse cried out "Biiiiirbeeeeeeeeeee!"

"To the crow's nest and check the horizon. I smell a Frenchy."

Birbee scampered up the rigging like a cat. "There she is Captain a Frenchy for sure, a bit worse for wear sir, she's lisping to the left."

The captain's jaw tightened then relaxed to a grin. "Battle stations men, we'll have plunder for breakfast me hearties."

First mate Fergus called out for all sheets to be let out and the Buggerall quickly closed on it's prey.

Captain Morse pulled out his spyglass and shouted "That's a French ship for you, embroidered pink frilly sails billowing in the wind the poofters!".

Midshipman Earl Grey put his hand on the Captain's glass and gently steered it from a view of Dora Piebottoms' petticoats to the direction of the oncoming French vessel.

"That's a French ship for sure, embroidered pink frilly sails billowing in the wind the poofters!" Indeed the oncoming ship was set with sails all of pink, gathered to be full in the middle with dainty cross stitching top and bottom.

Dora Piebottom swooned when she saw the sight. "It's the Pitit Coc, coming to take me back to work the bordellos of Lyon, the King's coffers must be running dry with me on ship with the Buggerall!"

Confident in the superior fire power of his ship Captain Morse ordered the Buggerall to come broadside to the Petit Coc and called for Birbee to fire a salvo direct onto the lopsided Coc.

The pirate cannon found their mark as shards of oak raced though the air and the French vessel lisped more to the left.

What happened next surprised even the most black hearted salts on the Buggerall.

The Petit Coc seemed to right itself and fired back with all its guns, loaded not with twenty pound iron balls but live goats.

Percival Pussgums took a direct hit in the chest with a nubile young goat wearing a cherry red two piece.

Seconds later his brother Buck who was rushing to help Percival back on his foot was smothered by the crotch of a 100 pound goat wearing a fetching yellow Catalina.

Buck looked to his left from his one good eye and spied two naked female goats appearing to suckle each other despite both being full grown!

Morse cried out to his crew ,"It's goats gone wild men."

"The American coast is treacherous this time of year at spring break."

"We only have once chance, fetch Henman from the hold on the double."

Midshipman Grey found Henman making hand puppets from broken coconut shells while the battle raged, marched him to the captain and ordered him to stand fast.

Before Captain Morse could speak Henman surveyed the carnage of twisted bodies of pirate and goat entertwined as one and shouted at the assailants.

"Elizabeth, Marie, Giselle, Mon Dieu, can this be true, my ten wives and daughters have come to visit me. I am happy beyond belief that you have managed to find me on this great ocean."

With this act a magic hand passed over the two ships, the enemy on board the Buggerall suddenly became passive, withdrew themselves from the arms of the visibly aroused crew and ran to the stowaway Henman who greeted them with open arms and some whispered promises about Neverland. With that as a signal Captain Morse stood erect face to face with the Petit Coc while its commander, rear vice admiral Tour de France, sensing all was lost raised his hand with a white handkerchief and limply waved it with the back of his hand signaling his surrender to the pirate ship posthaste.

Captain Morse immediately ordered carpenter Click to lash the two ships together and build a bridge for the landing party to be led by midshipman Grey and Hal A.Peno.

The Frenchman were not done however. As soon as the Buggerall sent out their grappling hooks Tour de France ordered his men to drop their breeches and point their naked bottoms in the direction of the victorious Buggerall and crew.

Despite their many months at sea the crew of the Buggerall were not swayed by the distraction. Dora Piebottom had serviced the crew well in the journey and led the laughter at the skinny Frenchman as the boarding crew stepped on the Coc.

Earl Grey and Hal A. Peno toured below decks and after much rooting around concluded that there was little booty on the ship other than 230 crates of large sea crustaceans and two hogsheads of garlic butter.

The boarding party reported back to Captain Morse who asked, "Well men what booty have we won today?"

"No booty to report sir, all we found below decks was a large number of crabs."

"Heavens!" The Morse cried out, "Quarantine the Coc immediately and have Dr. Victor test the men for syphilis and gonorrhea as well."

Midshipman Grey interjected, "Sir, they're not that type of crabs." Peno added " I think they're called lobsters, I have tasted them and they are delicious to eat with the butter we found next to them."

Deciding to make the most of the situation Captain Morse called cook Skoob to prepare a special feast to mark the victory.

Skoob took to task right off the mark and spent the better part of the day boiling the tasty crustaceans and melting the hogsheads of butter. Dr. Vic offered to help in the celebration by supplying his special supply of oak filtered beer which he said the men have drunk before.

Sweating from a day in the galley Skoob finally finished and called the men to dinner by banging loudly on a pan with spoon shouting.

"Tonight we're having lobster tail and beer!"

Buck and Pissgums turned their heads towards each other "Lobster tail and beer, that's me three favourite things!"

The conjoined pirates quickly pulled out a reversible disposable poly bib for the two of them with a picture of a scantily clad Piebottom on it.

Skoob seeing the two brothers were prepared for a fast start told the twins "Two lobsters each boys" and happened to ask why the twins happened to have a bib with a picture of a half clothed Piebottom on it.

Buck and Pissgums were too busy to answer as they smacked their lips downing the lobsters, butter dripping down their chins to the now writhing and buttered picture of Piebottom on their chests.

Buck and Pissgums finally looked up at Skoob and said "Now dats a long story . . ."

Continue to chapter fifteen...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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