Saturday, 14 March 2009


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image for Below Decks, Chapter 13 Sometimes, All is Not Well and Didn't End Well Either
No, Oprah Winfrey is not in this chapter

Below Decks
Chapter 13
Sometimes, All is Not Well (and Didn't End Well Either)

Recap: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five | Chapter Six | Chapter Seven | Chapter Eight | Chapter Nine | Chapter Ten | Chapter Eleven
| Chapter Twelve

It had been ten days since the events with the French ship. The Captain had put a prize crew on board and sent them home to England with the ship. He's put the men off on an island and sent the officers back as prisoners.

He'd also sent back Michael Jackson, the dancing black man, to testify against the French for atrocities committed (even though Jackson said that he liked it). With him had gone the cabin boy, Henman, who Jackson had taken a liking to.

It was a peaceful day at sea. The sun was shining brightly and the clouds were reflecting off of the clear and nearly motionless water. The day found the straight half of the crew of the ship admiring Dora as she sunbathed topless off the poop deck (which still stank). The cross dressers were, of course, taking advantage of her absence to steal her underthings and dresses from her cabin.

The silence was broken by a scream from the crow's nest. "Life raft off the starboard bow!" The crew immediately ran to the port bow and looked overboard to spot the lifeboat. "The other starboard bow!" screamed the man in the crow's nest.

A rope was thrown, the life raft was pulled alongside, and a portly man and his crew of three sheep were quickly brought aboard.

Captain Morse came from his cabin and examined the man that his crew had just rescued. He was of average height but must have weighed more than any four men put together. He was bearded with black hair but had the soft looks of an Indian holy man. The stranger approached the Captain and said "Jesus Budda at your service, sir."

"I am the seeing eye of The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and the reincarnation of Buddha. I am the seer of Christianity and the voice of Vishnu. I know all, hear all, and foretell all."

"I thank you for the timely rescue. In payment, I can divine your fortune with my crystal ball. I trust, however, that you offer my crew protection from yours."

The crew of the mysterious stranger were three young, ripe, comely ewes in full bloom of womanhood. Their soft bleating was the type that brought sailors hearts to passion and caused songs to be sung and poems to be written. Their white coats were of a type to make men snuggle and get lost in them.

"My ladies are Sophie Jayne, Spazzlepadazzle, and Justin Is Fit. I shall require a separate quarters for my party with a large floor space if it can be accomadated. If not, I'll charge for the ladies."

The crew smiled at this announcement, knowing that no large space was available.

"Have you anything I might drink onboard this vessel as I am parched," asked JB. "Can your ships bartender, by chance, make me a Tiki Murphy?"

Cook Skoob, who acted as default bartender, hurried back to the galley to try to mix this exotic drink of the islands. "They expects me to be a bartender now. I get busted down from helmsman to cook and now I have to be a bartender. I should have stayed in England as a Bookseller."

He brought Jesus Budda the drink, who downed it so fast that he couldn't taste that it was really the piss from Dr. Vic's ale barrells.

"We must commune with the Gods this for you and tell your fortunes." At that pronouncement, Jesus Budda pulled a large plastic mat with colored dots from his cloak and spread it across the deck. He also removed a spinning device and quickly flicked it with his left index finger.

"Sophie," he cried. "Right foot blue, left hand red."

The men ooh'ed and aah'ed at the sophistication of the actions of this prophet and the largest of the sheep moved into place on the mat.

When they had completed the ritual of the dotted mat, he pulled a set of wooden blocks from his carpetbag, stacked them ritually, and asked the Captain to "roll the bones" with him in a game of naked Jenga. Both men removed their clothes, to the oohs and aahs of the gay crewmen and the obvious interest of Dora.

After the Jenga session, Jesus Budda removed a crystal ball from his bag. It should be noted that the ball was not really crystal, but appeared to be made of plastic. It was also not clear, but was black and had a large number "8" on the side. Jesus Budda held it up for all to see and shouted "Behold the answer to life's questions!"

The captain nodded and asked: "Where shall we find Horatio Hornblower?" His solemn question, however, was drowned out by shouts of "What's the cook really been serving us?" "What's this rash on me privates?" "Where's the closest buried treasure?" "Can I have Sophie Jayne first tonight?" and "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Before Jesus Budda could answer any of the questions, there was another scream from the crow's nest. "Another lifeboat off the starboard side." As men rushed to see, hoping that this one had enough sheep to go around, the crewman yelled again "The other starboard, you buffoons!"

This lifeboat contained several people who were all obvious pirates. As the first was helped aboard, Buck screamed "I recognize him! That's Gnarly Eric! We've fought before! Shall I taunt him, Captain Morse, or are you going to be like Admiral Lowton and threaten to silence me if I keep goading him?"

The second pirate was brought aboard; it was the famous hermaphrodite pirate Queen Mudder Father. No one knew which sex she/he would be when he/she got up that morning. They did know, however, that he/she was a famous lawyer/barrister who had made a name for him/her self in corporate raiding and legal piracy. Men of both sexual persuasions rushed to help her/him with his/her bags.

Third and Fourth up the ladder were two minor pirates known only as Moose and Squirrel. They had been at sea for a long time, but tended to keep to their cabin and avoid publicity.

The fifth to climb to the ship was a man in disguise. It was obvious that he was pretending to be an Asian woman, but it was quickly revealed that NickFun the pirate had come aboard. It was his shiny right eye and over muscled right arm (from heavy masturbation) that gave him away.

Hal A. Peno recognized the sixth pirate to climb onto the ship. "Captain," he said, "that's Marvin. He's the one who had his men pee on the flash nitrate powder for the cannons when they raided our ship two years ago off Lucifer Island."

"Balderdash," screamed Marvin, "I never gave that assignment to anyone!"

The gentle pirate, known to all as King David, was next. This mean cutthroat would kill all of his victims only after first apologizing to them. "I'm sorry," he'd say, "but I need to fertilize my ship's garden and you have such lovely flesh that will break down nicely." As this one came aboard, he exchanged an unseen wink with Earl Grey, the ship's botanist.

Another pirate climbed aboard, this one obviously of Indian ancestry. "Who the hell are you?" asked Father Birbee.

"Mohit at your service," said the soft spoken man.

"That answers that question," said the Captain.

Next to climb aboard was a smirking little Frenchman. "It looks like I have been rescued by, how you say, English pig dogs.. You will, of course, prepare a stateroom for me and provide me with two women and one of those sheep for the night. I am In Seine, the most feared pirate bartender of the seas."

Skoob quickly slid to the Captain's side and ask, "Do you think French food is in order tonight, sir?"

The last pirate to climb aboard was Gasbag. This Pirate Captain had made more men walk the plank than any other when in command, yet always disguised himself when on other ships and pretending to be a friend to all. This time, he was in his guise as Morgan Truce. "My hat's off to you, Captain Morse, and permission to come aboard, sir."

"Men," yelled the Captain to his crew. "Escort our prisoners to the brig."

"Captain," yelled the man from the crow's nest. "There's a huge iceberg off the port bow."

Naturally, the crew and pirates all looked starboard to see the iceberg that had somehow managed to float into southern waters.

Just then, the Buggerall hit the iceberg and everyone was thrown to the deck. Pissgums ran up from below and screamed "we're taking on water! She's done for, sir."

"Abandon ship! Abandon ship," screamed the captain. "Man the lifeboats!"

Suddenly, the pirate Gnarly Eric went mad. He grabbed the nearest sledge and started breaking up the decks and other parts of the ship. He screamed "Thor's hammer swings a mean blow! I'm taking my reveng on all of you now!"

Within minutes, all of the lifeboats were in the water and all of the men (and sheep) were onboard (except Eric). By mutual consent, they rowed to the iceberg, pounded in a few stakes, and tied off the lifeboats. All of the men, women, pirates, and sheep stood together on the iceberg and watched as the magestic Buggerall silently sank to the depths, with Eric still beating apart the ship.

The man from the crow's nest, who was used to being above everyone, climbed to the highest part of the iceberg. "Sir," he yelled, "I see an island in the distance. Maybe if we send Buck and Pissgums around to the back of this iceberg, we could use their natural propulsion systems to move us towards it."

Gasbag, leader of the captured pirates, turned to Captain Morse. "We really don't want to go to that island. It's that island we escaped from. That's Skull Island, home of King Kong"

"Well," answered the Captain, "it does look that that's where the current is taking us."

"If we have to go there, Morse," said Gasbag. "My ship is still on that island. The giant ape was using it in one of the lagoons as a bathtub toy."

As the two captains discussed their plight, Dora walked over and sat down on a blanket. She was pleased that she now had some other women and sheep around to share the constant but not entirely unwanted attention of the men.

She pulled out her diary and begin to write: The adventures is continuing again and I don't know what will happen to us next.......

Continue to chapter fourteen...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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