The Ten Things Bernie Madoff Will Have To Remember In Prison

Funny story written by Ed E. Druckman

Saturday, 14 March 2009

(New York-NY) Chris Rock said, I paraphrase, "Every time I watch the news, and I see a crime being committed, I say 'Please don't let it be a brother. Please don't let it be a brother' Then, I see the footage. Damn." I feel the same way as a Jew with Bernie Madoff.

Is it my age, the downside of 50? My parents weren't Survivors, but they knew Survivors. Pogrom fear? One of the first things I did when Bernie Madoff was charged is Google him. To my pleasant surprise, "Bernie Madoff Jewish" was second from the bottom of suggested searches at 401,000 results. That's progress.

Maybe it's because we Jews are generally self-deprecating? In "Curb Your Enthusiasm", Larry David's character of, well, Larry David whistles a Wagner tune while waiting on line for a movie. Another Jew hears it and excoriates him for whistling the music of an anti-semite. He accuses David of being a self-loathing Jew. David replies, again I paraphrase, "Oh, I'm self-loathing, but it's not because I'm Jewish," the sort of if I make fun of myself first I'll beat you to the punch that made my people a cottage industry, stand-up comedy.

It reminds me of the movement by Rabbi Joshua Hammerman among others in the Jewish community to have Bernie Madoff excommunicated. The dialogue went back and forth on why should or shouldn't this happen? Is there a sound principle on which to base this? Like my Uncle Simon used to say, "Get three Jews talking, and you'll have at least five opinions." I don't care about the debate one way or the other. My reaction is more "You debate about this, and you still can't get into the Metropolitan Club?" Does that make me an anti-semitie-semite? And does that act as a double negative. Am I actually devout?

The point? I guess I'll leave it at Chris Rock's joke. He's more eloquent. And to Bernie Madoff, a little advice to help you with your new life, bubbellah.

The Ten Things Bernie Madoff Will Have Remember In Prison

10. Cell mate who says, "You've got a purdy mouth" isn't just quoting from "Deliverance".
9. Not confusing guards as doorman and telling them, "Get me a cab. I'll remember you at Kwanzaa."
8. Ponzi scheme + smokes = beat down.
7. Not getting caught after figuring out Ponzi scheme involving smokes.
6. Conjugal visits are once a month for me, every night after lights out for my cell mate, CoCo.
5. Not to request Swiss bank account number as prisoner number.
4. If White Aryan Nation members really want investment advice, what's that rope for?
3. Don't ask, "Really am I not way more a bad ass than Ken Lay?"
2. Jail could be worse. I could be sharing a cell with Howard K. Stern.
1. Always. ALWAYS, at shower time Soap on a Rope.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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