Written by John Locke

Saturday, 16 August 2008

image for Qantas Secret Revealed: Roswell Connection
Part UFO?

A source close to a friend of a family member of a Qantas mechanics enthusiast revealed today that modern Qantas planes were reverse-engineered from technology salvaged from the crashed Roswell UFO.

The existence of the UFO, which reportedly crashed in Nevada in 1947, was officially denied by the American government. However, many people believe that it actually occurred, and that the military has made use of the discovery by way of reverse-engineering for over 40 years, building better, more intelligent planes and fighters.

The source, who would only reveal his name as 'Muldery', says that in the same year as the Roswell incident, the Australian government bought all shares in Qantas, and due to co-operation with the US, was granted access to the technology, apparently in return for being the butt of 2 centuries worth of 'down-under' jokes.

The deal was kept Top Secret in Australia, as 'Muldery' claims the motivation of Australians to leave the couch to form appropriate conspiracy theories was low due to increased mosquito population.

Fortunately, Qantas management did not apply the new technology until 2006, in a bid to divert attention from conspiracy pen-pal groups of the time.

But since then, a string of mishaps involving the airplanes has occurred, including landing gear malfunctions, engine fires, wiring problems and power loss.

More recently, a mid-air explosion ripped a hole in one plane's fuselage on July 25th this year, and while authorities claim an oxygen cylinder is to blame, conspiracy theorists (mostly American citizens) are convinced the jet's anti-gravity nuclear cold-fusion dark matter propulsion system malfunctioned due to flying over an unknown island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean whilst a man in an underground hatch refused to push a button.

Source 'Muldery' is adamant the Roswell UFO technology is to blame for the spate of Qantas accidents. "The bloody thing crashed, for hell's sake," he whispered down the phone. "At least the Americans patched the thing up and landed on the moon."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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