Written by matwil

Saturday, 14 June 2008

image for The New Guantanamo Encyclopedia
'Hey this Guantanamo book is funny!'

Today, Guantanamo Publications brought at a new version of its famous encyclopedia, and here are a few of its revised entries:

'Crime': No longer something done to break the law, but something that might happen in the future - or might not

'Trial by jury': Well, bit of a waste of money, let's just skip that one

'E Pluribus Unum': Once the motto of the USA, now a joke around the world

'Terrorists': People that the CIA don't like, but liked last year and armed them to the teeth if they did what they were told to, such as murduring Italian socialists and shooting Russians

'World History': Nope, haven't a scooby what that one means

'Augusto Pinochet': Fascist dictator, armed and trained by America to kill thousands of innocent Chileans, but not a terrorist, oh no, as if

'IRA': Peaceful Irish democratic organisation, armed by Americans to kill and torture in the name of freedom, their car bombs and extortion making many people happy in Ireland and Britain

'Contras': Peaceful and totally non-fascistic organisation, armed by Americans to murder and bomb their way across Nicaragua, and to destabilise a democratically elected government, as happened in Chile

'Israel': No comment, except see Pinochet and IRA

'Islam': Abominable, evil religion of fanatical hatred, not to be confused with Christianity or mass-murduring Crusaders

'Hinduism': Isn't that the same as Islam? Well, same color of skin, anyway, lock 'em up just to make sure

'Israel' [revised]: The only Middle Eastern country to have attacked the American military, in the 1960s, but let's just forget about that one

'Turkey': As with Israel, has one of the worst human rights records in the world, including practising genocide on the Kurds, but hey, let's not let facts confuse us

'Nazi Germany': Not as bad as the British keep saying, and we were happy to fund that guy with the funny moustache

'Soviet Union': Booooo! Hiss!!! Suck thumb, we're scared of the big bad commies! Oh they're fascist gangsters now, whew, let's send them our money

'Cuba': Boo! Hiss! Bad, bad commies!

'Libya': See Cuba.

'United Kingdom': England, right?

'Democracy': Republic

'Saudi Arabia': World's biggest oil producer and dictatorship and human rights abuser, odd that Americans don't attack it, wonder why

'Saudi Arabia [2]': Producer of most of the 9/11 hijackers, which explains why America didn't invade Saudi Arabia but went to Iraq instead

'Vietnam': Speaking of Hollywood ....

'Cambodia': Look -

'Afghanistan': Country that produces 99% of the world's opium, and so needs American help

'Iraq': World's third-largest oil producer, and so needs American help

'Rwanda': No oil or opium there, so will be fine without American help

'Genocide': When millions die in Rwanda and America doesn't save a single person there, as it's too busy helping Afghans and Iraqis

'Wall Street': Place run by America arms manufacturers

'Britain': Place run by American arms manufacturers, but with dodgy lunches and beer

'Europe': Place not run by Americans, Europeans might fight back

'China': see Europe

'Disneyland': Theme park with adults talking and acting like children, and doing lots of slapstick

'The White House': see Disneyland

'Chimpanzee': occasional visitor to the White House

'Chimpanzee[2]': Animal that makes gibberish noises and finds it difficult to walk on its own

'George W Bush': President that makes gibberish noises and finds it difficult to walk on his own

'Californian Governor': Actor that can't act and is reduced to being Californian Governor - see also Ronald Reagan

'Barack Obama': Afro-American Muslim-Christian Democrat-Republican Black-White-Read-All-Over nonentity

'Senator Hillary Clinton': Bill's wife

'Ho Chi Minn': The only oriental dish to have a city named after it

'Fried Rice with Carrots and Peas': The new capital of Vietnam

'Guantanamo Bay': Concentration camp where people are thrown without trial

'Concentration Camp': A British invention in South Africa, the camps were filled with people without trial for years

'American Revolution': The ending of British rule in America, to ensure that concentration camps would be set up by the 21st century

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Guantanamo

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