Bush Ad-libs, Declares War on War

Written by George Smiley

Saturday, 8 March 2008

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Excerpt from 3/8 off the cuff remarks to the Georgian Republican Women's Caucus:

"...well...now lookee here...this declaring war on stuff business...you take LBJ's War on Poverty, it cost a lot of taxpayer money and didn't exactly cure poorness, right? Fact is, like whatisname said, you always got your poor. My own War on the Middle Class didn't make most of 'em any richer...just didn't work...truth is it made most of 'em poorer. Ironical. For years government's tried to do all kinds of expensive, helpful stuff, and the dollar just sucked it up and has been heading south ever since, right?"

"Next came the War on Drugs...now sure, we've put more people in prison than ever before in our history... and we've tooken away lots of rights, and we've siezed lots of very cool stuff - boats and things. We're keeping an eye on people better. But there's a dark side too...like the price of cocaine is cheaper than it was in the 80's...quality's better...it's easier to find...that's not success, with all that temptation and whatnot."

"Now you take your War for Oi... uh, War on Terrorism. Hasn't exactly worked out so good. You'd think you take hold of an oil-producing country you'd be able to squeeze plenty of cheap oil out of it, right? That's what I thought too...but, nooo! All that plannin' and stuff...just didn't work...not only that but now we're in a helluva mess...I know, I know, best intentions..."

"So all this war business, it's overated, and it just doesn't work...I been thinkin' that somebody ought to come up with a word that means the opposite of war, you know, so people can grasp it? Well here's what I am gonna do...yepperdoodles, right here and now, I'm gonna put an end to this nonsense. Today I am declaring a War on War...A War To End All Wars, you might say...nobody's ever done that before..."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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