American Males' Sexual Needs/Complaints Now Finally Understood

Written by Natowsky

Friday, 7 March 2008


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A drop-dead hottie ( as shown above) viewed by the male's third eye can ruin a relationship!

"MEN'S GRIPES," the monthly proclamation of what really turns on or pisses off the American male, finally has the results of its commissioned study, "Just, What The Fuck Does The Bitch Want?" This Summary presents Part 1 of a 3-part series.

The research, aimied at discovering what the American woman (aka ballbuster) must have to enjoy sex vs the essence of the American male's personality/needs, was commissioned out of years of frustration experienced by 1.1 million members of the highly-respected U.S. men's group, PUSSY IS GOOD, aka PIG. PIG has even won the prestigious Playtime "Hot Clam Cup" for the past 5 years!

The study involved over 260,000 statistically-selected U.S. volunteers of all ages from 20 through 60, with equal numbers of males and females. The complete report will issue soon and the milestone paper will appear in "Alles-Gut-Scwanz" ("All-Good-Penis") with a title of "Beliefs of U.S. Adult Males and Females in Situations of Extreme Sexual Arousal, Including Coitus, Cunnilingus, Mutual Masturbation, and Other Pleasurable Sexual Activities." [Schtup, Will I., Faggot, Reale A., and Gland Bigg Yur--coauthors]

This detailed study and paper have now been reduced to key findings for "Men's Gripes." These are presented below.

It was determined that cuddling causes rashes all over men's bodies. This applies to before and after sex, as well, suggesting a psychogenic component. Women possess "must-cuddle" genes; men don't.

Foreplay is what men watch before the football game comes on or else they feel it's some rough game with 4 guys.

According to men, sexual intercourse was meant to be a 5-minute experience, at most. The phrase "getting my rocks off" is a critical component to them in lovemaking. And, this 5-minute "must do" is what men feel is a necessary quick and dirty exercise to relieve built-up stress.

Men feel that sex is necessary to maintain healthy "plumbing" and that lust is the biological need to look at other women, so that they can remain "sensitive" to their partners' needs.

Men have developed a "third eye" when looking at a "hottie" at the mall or elsewhere, when with the wife or girlfriend. This "extra vision" is one of nature's protective mechanisms, so that the wives or girlfriends will not think of castrating their men for leering. Again, men look, so that they can be more "sensitive" to their mates' needs.

A major problem with sex for women occurs when the male lasts 2 minutes max before his orgasm. Generally, this occurs while the male, during the sex act, is thinking of a female partner's girlfriend, any other married or unmarried woman, or, for example, a female coworker. This brevity can be a danger to the man, as it's a definite giveaway! Two minutes or less and your woman will interrogate you.

Additionally, men always want to conserve energy for future sex with wives, girlfriends, or "something on the side." In those cases, a 2-minute quickie should be acceptable to the female. One significant finding was that the female must become more sensitive to the man's sexual needs and his large ego.

Men sometimes complete the act quickly to conserve energy for "honey-do" projects. This simply means that the woman can't have it both ways!

Some men feel that more than 3 minutes of sex interferes with the "quality time" they need to spend with their devoted hunting dogs. This, more than any other one thing, was observed over and over again in the study. It is critical to a man's overall health, as a darn good hunting dog and best pal are very difficult to find.

Sex and late-night comics were never meant to mix. If the woman wants comedy, she must forego sex. Men do not want distracted women during the important act of coitus. And, a large belly laugh from a female on her back, while watching a comic, will throw off a man's timing, or, frequently, knock him off the bed, risking life and limb!

Men like pornographic movies, because, often, wives and girfriends hate to get kinky! So men are forced to rent or buy sex movies when their partners would say "yuch" to such normal activities. This issue must be recognized by women. They must accept the fact that their bodies are like musical instruments to be played as desired by men.

Men actually like to fight with their lovers, as "makeup sex" is what men consider to be the best kind of sex. This is the only time all women like a very short bout(less than 2 minutes!). Makeup sex has even been observed as occurring at "warp speed" (that is, not measurable, yet, using available laboratory instrumentation).

Women can fake an orgasm (it's a no brainer), so the man is always questioning his virility. A faked orgasm is a man's worst enemy.

Womens' reactions to the study have generally been highly negative and they are now developing a White Paper to state their position. Basically, they claim that the study is flawed in that it strongly suggests that women have few sexual needs, and, which virtually all men agree is actual fact.

Part 2 will appear in next month's issue of "Men's Gripes" and will focus on bringing another female into a couple's sex play.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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