Interview with Rudy: "Don't call me for the next 9/11"

Written by John Andreini

Thursday, 31 January 2008

image for Interview with Rudy: "Don't call me for the next 9/11"

For the first time since abandoning his presidential bid, former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani sat for an interview to discuss his run for the country's top office and his future plans with freelance journalist Joshua Binkley.

Binkley I'm sure you're disappointed about having to drop out of the presidential race. What was the deciding moment for you?

Giuliani 9/11. It changed everything. I thought to myself, 'Rudy, you're getting the crap kicked out of you by a traumatized war veteran, a Mormon, and a Jesus freak. You got two choices: have 'em whacked or drop out of the race.' Being somewhat cash strapped, hiring a good button man was out of the question, so, here I am.

Binkley Do you have any regrets? Would you change anything about how you ran your campaign?

Giuliani Since 9/11, I live one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment of my life, because it could happen again anytime, anywhere. And let me just say this for the record. If a Democrat is elected president, no one will be safe. The terrorists will strike our weakened country and kill many people. But, America, listen to me. When it happens, don't call Rudy Giuliani to come stand on your rubble and look strong. Ain't gonna happen. You reject me, I reject you.

Binkley So you're saying you wouldn't help if another catastrophe like 9/11 happened again?

Giuliani That is correct. 9/11 changed everything. I've given all I can to my country. Let Billary or Obama bin Laden do the heavy lifting now. I saved this freakin' country and this is the thanks I get.

Binkley So what are your future plans?

Giuliani I haven't made that many long-term plans since 9/11. Life's short. Enjoy it. But I have had many offers. Right now I'm looking at leadership positions in a waste management firm and an olive oil business. I'm also making it known here and now that if I was offered an ambassadorship to Sicily, I would not turn it down.

Binkley But Sicily is a part of Italy. It's not a country.

Giuliani You being a wise guy?

Binkley No.

Giuliani Shut up. 9/11.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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