A Contemporary History of Art - by Hebert Flabeau

Written by josefgraf

Friday, 28 December 2007


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Modern Art is priceless - for gaining insight into mood disorders.
- from Musings of Hebert Flabeau

Our foray through art history begins with a short, pre-modern recap to set the stage for the art of modernity.

After the famous Renaissance period, came High Renaissance, followed by Botulismi's landmark liberation of Venus from the confines of a clamshell, thus paving the way for a string of naughty nudes to spice up the viewer's eye.

Rememberandt broke into the scene with his counterpoint oflight and dark, largely as a result of having to paint when the utility company had cut off his power. Claude Money then hit the jackpot with his water lily series that launched a period of thoughtful treatments of water and land weeds.
By the middle of the 20th Century, the art world was ripe for the inception of Abstract Expressionism.

Many artologists consider the earlier work of Kandinsky to be the progenitor of the movement, pointing out that the artist, unwilling to suppress his rage at having his advances rejected by an unresponsive trollop, vented himself on a series of canvasses until his ire abated.

Midway in his career, influenced by Matisse and the Impressionists, Kandinsky opened the gates of his technique. He began to release form from his work, letting light, color, and energy take the helm. Without the restriction of form, however, color had taken off into a world of its own. In the end, Kandinsky had to round up his colors, as they'd escaped into their own little ventures - blue, to loll on the beach, yellow, skipping across the sea, and red, with its sky-high ambition, lost in the ozone.

Significant works from the Kandinsky brush include Woman Yakking with a Goat; Self-Portrait by an Admirer; Nudes Playing Tiddly-Winks; and Carouser Winking at a Virgin.

Jorornanadon, a student of Conelus Corndog, innovated the Cobra movement at this point, with its signature style of violent brushwork, saturated color, and high-pitched emotional range. Accused of failing to seek approval for advances, even outright rape, upon his colors, Jornornanadon went into seclusion, emerging the day before his death to admonish his accusers with some heftily-produced works, including Nude Raccoon Reclining; Autumn in Spring; Study of a Demented Parakeet; and his ground-breaking Still Life of a Meteor.

Almost concurrent with the Cobra movement, the art of Assemblage made an appearance. Lauded for its use of junk from the real world, and its transformation of non-art materials into art, auto-wreckers did a brisk business. The art form has been likened to attempting to turn George W. Bush into a human being.

Art Informel was next to make a debut. Originated by the French critic, Michel Tapi-danseur who, weary of everyone else having fun at his expense, figured he could have a go at it. After a few attempts, he abandoned brushes for a variety of makeshift tools - spatulas, old socks, poured paint, heaved paint, and then splattered paint. Inspired by results, he dove deeper, experimenting with mouth-rinsed and spat out paint, followed by paint shaken in a seltzer bottle and sprayed out of the back of the armpit. Next, he tried dilutions of paint drunk and urinated onto the canvas, and finally, paint fed to diarrhea-plagued parrots that were induced to fly over the canvas, voiding a masterpiece.

Key works in the annals of Art Informel include Man with a Straw Hanky; Nude Cat on a Sofa; Farting in Blue; and Trout in a Treetop.

We come now to Neo-Dada, which some describe as lying midway between Abstract Expressionism and Pop Art. The form is characterized by ambiguity and paradox, although single dox also arose. The key figure in the movement was Edward Lostcondom, who became a Neo-Dada proponent by default. Also entailed in the movement is a focus on symbols, which several artists turned musician capitalized on, by the use of hi-hat and crash units on drum kits. Key works in this arena include Misty Morning Sunset; Woman Braiding her Eyebrow; and the provocative Nude Penguin Descending a Staircase.

Pop Art made its appearance on the scene when Pipinskinitsky, a secret agent for Coca-Cola Ltd., was messing around with coke bottles while opium-saturated artists were looking on. Pop Art reached its apex when Marilyn Monroe captured Ainly Whore-Wall's image in a quick sketch. Incensed by the flippancy of the act, Whore-Wall, in retaliation, slapped out an image of Monroe, deliberately abusing the colors. The word icon came to the fore at this time, as artists coined the phrase, "I con you outta yer money."

Gerald Lucense Lichtensteinemstaiden von Kibbitz, who signed his name Bip, to save the bottom half of his artwork, introduced several nuances, but is most fondly remembered for simplistic renditions of comic book scenes.

Now we come to Action Art or Performance Art, a forum that was successfully designed to elude interpretation. Joseph Boyzinband, one of the key figures here, demonstrated a shamanic blitz in histrionics. Someone had to lambaste the Expressionists for their senseless indulgence in creativity, and so arose the new breed.

We now must undertake a look at Minimalism, and I apologize in advance for the inappropriate length of copy here, which should, after all, be virtually nil. However, we must proceed. Minimalism reduced expression to the bare bones, employing clarity and severity in one swoop. Richard Serra-Serra and Watt Will Beee got into a competitive assail with each other when Serra-Serra produced a photograph of a footprint in the snow. Will Beee, not to be outdone, created a work consisting of a slightly off-white snowflake in a snowstorm. Originally titled "is," Beee, in a fit of paranoia over potential retaliation by Serra-Serra, rushed down to the gallery to shorten the title to the first half of the letter S.

Although editors wanted me to leave out this section - on the grounds that I don't seem to grasp the concept of Conceptual Art, I decided to include it, as I did have the ual part under my cerebral belt.

In any event, I believe I can predict with confidence that history will remember me as being one up on the art intellectuals of our time, in that I was able to identify the earliest creation of a conceptual work in Gustave Eiffel's 1889 engineering feat of the tower that bears his name - which, by the way, he originally chose to title, The Empire State Building After Taxes. Further, while in Paris at the height of the Conceptual movement, I cleared my mind of all concepts (an exercise that comes natural to me) except for the above-mentioned title of the work. I then photographed the Tower at various exposures, while always remembering to keep the lens cap on my camera. I have since had the roll of film obliterated in sulfuric acid, and subsequently produced some prints. Collectors are encouraged to enter a bid on the set of prints now held in absentia on the internet (go to eBay, follow the links).

I end my exploration of modern art here. But readers can explore further nuances and styles under various headings, including:

    Video Art
    Sound Art
    Funk Art
    Artfree Art
    Artless fauxism
    Neo Yer Talkinism[/il]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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