Dalton McGuinty Declared Provincial Leader by Electorate, "Assface" by Opposition

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Thursday, 11 October 2007


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Ottawa, Ontario - Following last night's Ontario provincial election, Dalton McGuinty made history as he took the Liberal party to their first back-to-back majority in over 70 years.

Said McGuinty in his acceptance speech in Ottawa last night, "We want to work and build and dream together".

The speeches of concession from the opposing party leaders were not as pleasantly delivered and took on a harsher tone as the poll results came in.

Howard Hampton, New Democratic Party leader, had very few complimentary things to say about the result. "Dalton McGuinty is an assface. I can't believe how goddamned stupid this fucking province is to let that cocksucker in for another term. You can all go fuck yourself, Ontario. Don't come crying to me when your goddamn factories go tits up and you're on fucking welfare."

Green Party leader Frank de Jong also blasted the result, declaring that the re-elected Premier should "go fuck his mother once he's done fucking his dog and the Ontario people."

Mr. de Jong continued to rail against McGuinty's environmental stance, stating "That fuckface wouldn't know greenhouse gasses if they chewed on his left nut."

Mr. de Jong later turned his sites on his own party's defeat. "Not one goddamn seat. Fucking Jesus, you people. 8% of the motherfucking popular vote and not one motherfucking seat. Fuck you, Ontario. I'm moving to Alberta. Any place is better than being surrounded by you slack-jawed cousin fuckers."

John Tory, leader of the Conservative party, left the election with only 26 seats and 32% of the popular vote. "McGuinty is a cunt. I hope he gets colon cancer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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