How to speed your way through the checkpoint

Written by Tina H

Friday, 28 December 2007

The busiest time for the traveling industry is here. As you know there are lines everywhere. As an airport screener, I want to avoid headaches, so I develop my own list of how to speed your way through the checkpoint.

Follow it and you will be on your way to a no waste time vacation.

  • DON'T tell a screener that you are about to miss your flight (it won't win you any sympathy and could even arouse suspicion). As I said your lack of planning will not cause an emergency on my behalf.
  • DON'T wear clothing with metallic objects such as moon size buckles.
  • DON'T go to your wardrobe and wear a mine of jewelry and then complain. Please don't tell me, "I never set off the alarm"; IT IS YOU, Believe me!
  • DON'T wear lots of jewelry or hairpins that can't be easily removed. If you have bangles, they got there and they can come off. So, don't tell me, they are stuck. That means, that I have to wand you and as you imagine I don't like to touch strangers. You contributions to my salary are greatly appreciated, but you are a stranger.
  • DON'T say "I forgot I have liquids in my bag". That's yesterday news. It has been more than a year and still, you see gallons of orange juice, shampoos, oils, etc, all over the checkpoint. Even if you travel once in your lifetime, somebody in your family watches the news or travels and always comments about the airport security.
  • DON'T try to jam everything into one bin in a misguided effort to be helpful; it's much harder to screen. If you push all your stuff in a bin, I wont see anything, I will have to re-run it and you will get upset. Use common sense, stack everything comfortably and you will be happy and I will be delighted.
  • DON'T accuse screeners of theft: Once you're certain an item is missing, speak to a supervisor. If you accuse me of stealing your eyeglasses, which by the way, are on your face, I will be pissed. There are cameras EVERYWHERE; I don't need your stuff. I won't lose my job because of your eyeglasses or your quarters. Double check with your significant others, in most cases they have your belongings and they just want to accuse you in front of everybody that you forget everything.
  • DON'T tell screeners, it only comes in this or it's almost empty; when asked to surrender containers of liquid larger than three ounces. It is not about how much you have it is about the capacity of the container. The rule is the rule, just follow the rule and don't complain. Don't tell me how much you spent on toiletries; it won't make any difference if they're the wrong size. I really don't care how much you paid. You could have checked it; you can still check it, mail it or give to somebody. If those options are not suitable for you, don't blame me, it was your mistake.
  • DON'T block traffic by repacking your belongings on the conveyor belt. Please move to the end of the belt. Outside we have millions of passengers like you, complaining about the waiting time. Don't do to others what you don't like.
  • DO wear easily removable shoes. Please leave your strappy sandals, boots, or anything like that at home. Flip Flops or tennis shoe are great. If you wear boots and a mini skirt, make sure you have panties; I am really tired of seeing your internal organs.
  • DO take the plastic bag holding liquids out of your carry-on before putting it through the X-ray machine. If you don't want me to check your bag, it will be a great idea.
  • DO lay your bag on its side. The upright position is much harder to see and may trigger a re-run. If your bag is full of crap, please lay it flat on the belt. If it's closed, don't use a bin and remember all electronics have to come off. You don't want to wait, and we don't want to hear your screams.
  • DO put items through the X-ray machine only when you are ready to walk through the metal detector. This minimizes the time you're separated from your belongings. I'm tired of "MY BAG, MY BAG". Also make sure you send all your belongings, X-Rays don't eat your stuff, if you leave them upfront, they won't walk, you have to send them.
  • DON'T travel naked. If you see how many skin diseases walk through the checkpoint everyday, you will never wear your Daisy Dukes. Besides that we don't need people with attention disorders deficits at the checkpoint, they create disruptions and the waiting time increase.
  • DO make sure that you have all items before you leave the checkpoint. Please, we don't need one shoe, dirty sweaters, car keys, and letters from your gay lover, KY Jelly, your underwear, or your own kids. Please make sure you pick up everything. While you scream for your items, the line gets bigger and bigger



The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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