The real deal on food

Funny story written by John Nugent

Monday, 30 June 2003


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A.A. Gill: Ponce

A.A. Gill is a damn liar. 'The Sunday Times' columnist has, for many years now, fooled the nation's broadsheet-buying public into thinking that he was a food critic. Fools!

"Gill" (if, I very much doubt, that is his real name) can now be exposed as the fraud that he truly is. For while the words underneath his name may say 'Food Critic', have you ever actually read anything by him about food? (Have you ever actually read anything by him at all? I know I haven't.)

The sad truth is, fellow citizens, Gill is no food critic. He does not criticize food. He is a restaurant critic. Restaurant! He looks at a big posh buildings and says how comfy the chairs are. How is that being a food critic? Is there any food involved? I think not. Besides, who goes to restaurants? Restaurants are those things that you drive past and go 'Mmm, that looks nice' and then drive further up the road for a kebab and a bag of chips.

With these sorry facts in mind, I decided to bring justice back to the fore, and a solid reputation once again cemented in the food critic vocation. I, proud and noble, brave and true, dedicated to only what is right (or wrong, if it pays well), have decided to become a real food critic till the end of my days. Until I realise that the pay is shit and you don't get to carry a gun under your jacket.

But enough dabble! I must go on with my quest. The first item for me to place under the food-critic radar: Baked Beans.

A much-loved family tinned food since Quite A Long TIme Ago, Baked Beans is the staple diet of tramps, Queens of Austria and Methane Research Scientists alike. Recent advances in technology have allowed the casual eater to simply toss the tin's contents into a microwave, which this critic has found to be highly beneficial, especially in times of nuclear war. The combination of mushiness and juicyness can be both a turn-on and a turn-off, but overall, Baked Beans is a winner. And at just 12p a tin, you can't go wrong here. The best tinned food you'll eat this summer.


So there you have it. Food critic-ness at its best. AND no mention of any kind of building. This is what its all about, ladies and gents. This is what being a food whatchamacallit is alll about. Erm, Baked Beans. What I wouldn't give to rub those Baked Beans in Gilly boy's face...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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