Written by slflyinghorse

Tuesday, 29 November 2005

image for Fire Burns Down Alaska village.
Half-breed Alaska Native Jewels John appeals Statewide for Clothing donations

A fire erupted in a downtown flop house and quickly spread through the three room building near a crowded area full of holiday revelers Friday evening.

One Village First Responder suffered minor injuries, but no other injuries were reported. The first alarm came at 1:51 a.m., the Village Volunteer Fire Capt. Joseph Marksupiat stated.

Village firefighters believed they had the blaze contained by 3:00 a.m. but said they were still fighting to get it under control. One room of the destroyed structure was said to be the hiding place of all the Booze.

Which explained the myriad of Flashovers and explosions as the initial response teams battled the blaze.

One witness said, "It was incredibly brave of them to attack the fire like that.....unless they were just trying to save the booze before the rest of the Village woke up."

Red-hot melted metal framing from appliances, bedding and plumbing still sizzled and fumed in the smoky darkness of what once used to be a Villager's home.

A turn of the Century pot bellied stove glowed white hot but was otherwise unscathed by the inferno and one enterprising Villager broke out eggs and bacon at $10 a plate to serve to hungry onlookers.

A full block of Middle Street about a block from the Village General Store that is popular among juvenile deliquents and out-of-town guests was evacuated as some 5 local firefighters battled the blaze.

"Can't be too careful" winced Walt "Mitty" Bergen as he shoo'd away curious kids.
"Now adays with Anyone and I mean anyone with a bottle in their clothes, being around a huge fire like that and POOF!!" he spat.

"They'll go up like a roman candle".

"Excuse me for a moment", Walt hurried away, reaching into his pocket, glancing around before taking a Nip.

Among these fearless "First Response" was Jewels John the Village Chiefs' inebriate granddaughter.

Her usual Village chick entourage of Daphne "Tacky" Clothes, and Carla "Eyes" Makeup were coughing loudly from smoke inhalation and declined to be interviewed.

Kudos to the Girls for trying though as Daph blew intertwined smoke ring broaches with feathered spruce bough.

And Carla coughed a tiny flat bottomed boat with a 40hp tiller in exacting detail!! - right down to a crew of 8 all hunched over hiding booze in their jackets and Coleman boxes from prying eyes..

(note: It is this reporters opinion that the Girls were actually onsite when the fire broke out. Come on! They got no shoes on and No Jackets.)

In all, the Landmark home which had housed 4 generations of Villageites, the two abandoned-burnt out vehicles parked nearby, and the clothes line full of shirts, pants and skivvies caught fire.

It was a total loss.

At one point, there was concern that the curtain of flaming BVD's would collapse and be banteed about by the wind against the smokehouse where Gramma Dory's stash of salmon, moose, berries and homemade hootch was kept.

"But our fears were alleviated when we realized that considering the sizes of the blow holes in the butt of each skivvy, there wasn't much left to burn in the first place" announced Capt Joe.

"Those clothes look kinda familiar. By the way, has anyone seen my laundry I turned into the Lodge laundry yesterday to have washed?" pled Joe to no one in particular as he marched away into the twilight.

"hey!!" an irritated Villager spoke up.
"Where's that lazy good for nothing VPSO?!"

A chorus (in A minor) of yeahs and similar demands erupted from the gathering crowd of angry Villagers.

"he's probably still sleeping after spending 8 hrs out on the Hwy digging my Mother out of the snow and pulling her car back here, that Lazy bum!" clamored the Village chief.

It wasn't immediately clear how the fire began.

YVC Inc Chelsea Talker isn't sure either when her journalism career began, the Internships at UAA & UAF was just a drunken blur. ChelsTalker@YVCIncdotcom

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Alaska, Fire

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
53 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more