Daniel Craig Beats Stiff Competition to Become Bond

Funny story written by Victor Young

Thursday, 13 October 2005

image for Daniel Craig Beats Stiff Competition to Become Bond
The choice for James Bond came down to two equal talents: Daniel Craig (right) and Dustin Diamond.

Faces burning with embarrassment, the producers of the James Bond film series met in an emergency closed door session to strategize a replacement replacement after having their offer of the role refused by Clive Owen, then Hugh Jackman, and finally Rikki Lee Travolta.

The emergency casting session quickly identified Londoner Daniel Craig and American Dustin Diamond as the only two actors alive willing to accept the role of James Bond.

"I don't mind being the fourth choice. I'm often second, third, or fourth in bed with lovers, why should this be any different?" stated Craig when asked by the producers if he would have any qualms about being identified as the "Bottom of the Barrel Bond."

Craig had a minor role in the film "Road to Perdition" starring Tom Hanks and achieved a leading role in the U.K. feature "Layer Cake" as a cocaine dealer.

Craig appeared un-phased when the producers corrected him that he would not be the fourth choice for Bond.

In addition to the publicly known offerings to Jackman, Owen, and Travolta, before scraping the bottom of the barrel to find Craig and Diamond the role had been offered to comedian Billy Crystal, Scott Baio of long forgotten "Happy Days" fame, over 60 former Bond George Lazenby, "Golden Girls" star Bea Arthur, the corpse of Bella Lugosi, and the boy who delivered sandwiches to the casting meeting.

Diamond offered comic relief as "Screech Powers" on the adolescent television program "Saved By the Bell." Co-stars Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Zach"), Mario Lopez ("Slater"), and Tiffany Amber Theissen ("Kelly") went on to fame on "NYPD Blue", "ESPN Hollywood", and "Beverly Hills 90210" respectively. Co-star Elizabeth Berkley went on to fame as a prostitute.

Asked if he would have any problems being a second-to-last choice for Bond, Diamond replied, "Are Zach and Slater going to be in the movie too?"

Describing the actors as "equally embarrassingly unqualified," director Martin Campbell put the performers through their paces in classic James Bond scenes to see how well they translated on camera.

The screentests, however, were abandoned when Campbell tried to wrestle the prop guns away from the actors and shoot himself in the head.

"I'd rather lick toilets!" the famed director was quoted as screaming as he was taken away by hospital authorities.

A test audience was called in to rate Diamond and Craig on sexual allure to help the producers narrow their difficult choice.

Females between 18 and 36 rated Diamond "utterly grotesque" causing Craig to smirk with pride until the same audience rated him "the only thing worse than the other guy."

Females over 50 rated Craig slightly better looking than Diamond, citing that he reminded them of their grandfather.

Males strongly preferred Diamond over Craig, to the degree three men kidnapped the actor citing "he'll make a good gimp."

Left with Craig as the only actor willing to accept the role of James Bond, the producers called a press conference for Friday, October 14, 2005 to announce him as their "unanimous" choice for the part.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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