Pentagon Wants Nuclear Strikes to Increase Britney Spears CD Sales

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Monday, 12 September 2005

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Britney wants nukes

THE PENTAGON (AP)-- A new draft US defense paper calls for preventive nuclear strikes against any foreign state if its people don't buy enough audio CDs by Britney Spears or some other American musician.

The document titled "Doctrine for Joint Nuclear Operations" is dated March 15 and was authored by the Pentagon's Joint Staff in at attempt to promote sales of US products like CDs and DVDs.

An anonymous Pentagon official who spoke to The Spoof late Sunday said the new policy has not yet been signed by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and thus has not been made official doctrine.

"Yet it's in the process of being considered," the official said, adding, "Britney really rocks."

A copy of the draft obtained by The Spoof urges US theater force commanders operating around the world to prepare specific plans for using nuclear weapons in their regions and outlines commercial scenarios under which they would be justified in undertaking a nuclear strike.

The nuclear strikes could also be used to convince a foreign government not to withhold its oil from US corporations like Exxon Mobil and Chevron Texaco, and a strike could also prevent foreign oil suppliers from setting the price of oil really high. Preventive nuclear strikes could also be employed to convince other countries to continue to use the US dollar in foreign currency transactions and not to pay for Michael Jackson CDs with Euros.

Such nuclear strikes could also be against deep, hardened bunkers containing foreign CDs and the command and control infrastructure required to record and manufacture competing CDs. Strikes could be used to counter potentially overwhelming foreign musicians like U2 or simply "to ensure the success of US multinational corporations" the document indicates.

Both the US Senate and the House of Representatives recently approved four million dollars for fiscal 2006 to study the feasibility of the "Robust Nuclear Earth Anti-CD Penetrator" also known as the "cd bunker-buster" bomb, a program that was interrupted last year after intense international and domestic criticism.

Under the 2002 Moscow Treaty, the US can keep up to 2,200 operationally deployed strategic nuclear warheads until 2012.

"I'm glad that the Pentagon likes my music and is willing to defend my CD sales and take nuclear action against foreign CD and DVD counterfeiters too," said Spears at a Pentagon news conference.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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