Countdown to Taylor Momsen's Career Suicide Begins In 3..., 2...

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Friday, 12 November 2010


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ABOVE: Taylor Momsen.

As sure as one could be of such things, sources in and around Hollywood have stated that the nearly non-existent upward career trajectory of actress/musician/alleged drug afficianado Taylor Momsen has reached its apex, and has already begun its rapid descent into Lohanism.

"I think she is more of a pathetic figure," said music critic Gabriella Marylynn. "To have 'Gossip Girl' on your IMDB page is sad enough. For that to be the highlight of your career is... well, sad."

Momsen, 17, most recently made news -- not with, you know, a good performance or anything like that-- by blaming her parents for robbing her of a healthy childhood, insisting they are the reason she's such a miserable twat.

"Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?'," complained the ungrateful bitch. "My parents signed me up with Ford at the age of two. No 2-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice."

"They've continued to abuse me, making me do stuff like save the $175,000.00 I earned from (2000's Jim Carrey vehicle) The Grinch, and save it for college," complained Momsen, while hiding the meth scarring on her face by coating her eyes and lower forehead in black Kiss make-up. "How f--king f--ked up is that?"

"Eat your dinner, wear clean clothes, don't iron your little brother, put effort into schoolwork: It was like a concentration camp," moaned Momsen.

Next up for Momsen:

- Unplanned pregnancy forces her to leave Gossip Girl.
- First arrest, DWI.
- Rehab.
- Breast implants and a Playboy pictorial.
- Horror movie roles.
- Second arrest, CDS possession.
- Skinemax movie roles.
- Rehab.
- No movie roles.
- Third arrest, forging Valium prescriptions, robbing a laundromat.
- Rehab.
- That is all.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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