Florida Star Wars Fan Cancels Holy Star Trek Book Burning

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Friday, 10 September 2010

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Your powers are weak, old man.

A universally-condemned fanatic of 'Star Wars' who gained world-wide negative attention for his plan to burn the holy book of 'Star Trek' on the show's anniversary of 9/8/10, has been cancelled.

Published in 1997, and sporting 630 pages of facts, figures, and pretty pictures of spaceships, 'The Star Trek Encyclopedia' was the target of nutcase Bubba Jones, a self-rightous 'Star Wars' fan, whose plan to burn the sacred book on September 8 (the anniversary of Star Trek's televised premiere), raised eyebrows, hackles, and pointed-ears everywhere.

The rivalry between 'Star Trek' and 'Star Wars' goes back a long time-- specifically the day after 'Star Wars' premiered in 1977.

"'Star Trek' is an evil fandom!" Jones proclaimed to his tiny Florida fan club of 70 zombie-followers. "It's all about evil an' killin' an' hatred! It's not a true fandom, like 'Star Wars'!"

People, fans, and even politicians rose up to denounce the book burning as sacriligious, in poor taste, and a lousy way to drum up tourism for the little Florida community.

American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say; "It's regrettable that a fan in Florida with a fanclub of more than 50 people can make this outrageous and distrustful, disgraceful plan and get the worlds attention. It's not who we are."

Even Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, he of the perfectly combed, hair sprayed-rigid haircut stated, "I unequivocably condemn it. Who in their right mind hates 'Star Trek'?! It's got Green Orion Women for God's sake! We all enjoy freedom of fandom, and that freedom of fandom comes from a tolerant spirit! I hate 'Stargate', but I don't hold it against 'Stargate' fans. I don't think that's the way you treat other fandoms, as different as those fandoms may be from your own fandom. My hair even has a fandom! Am I using the word 'fandom' in the proper fandomy way? Does my hair look good? Is it an election year? Vote for Stephen Harper; 'Star Trek' fandom fan!"

Bubba Jones eventually relented, after meeting with Sparky Beaker, a life-long Trek fan, and going through the sacred 'Star Trek' book and reviewing scenes from the Trek franchises. After seeing that 'Star Trek' was actually fun, thought-provoking, and even at times, kinda mimicking his own beloved 'Star Wars', the Florida nutjob backed down and cancelled the book burning.

"Do we need 2-line entries in a 'Star Trek' book explaining what 'metrazene', and 'kostolain' are? No. Do we need to know that Jack Crusher taught a 5-year old Wesley Crusher about baseball? Oh, please! My life is already filled with tiny, insignificant, 'Star Wars' facts and data that's useless to everyone else but myself. But when I heard that two whole seasons of 'Star Trek - Deep Space 9' were basically 'Star Trek' does 'Star Wars', well, I was flattered and changed my mind."

'Star Trek' fans and politicians with stiff hair rejoiced everywhere, and were very pleased with their efforts.

They also decided to not reveal to Jones that the present-day 'Star Trek Encyclopedia' isn't even complete, and would be even longer and more fact-filled had in included seasons 6 and 7 of 'Deep Space 9', seasons 4, 5, 6, and 7 of 'Voyager', all four seasons of 'Enterprise', and the movies 'Star Trek - Insurrection', and 'Star Trek - Nemesis', for fear of putting the kook over the edge once more.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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