Johnny Depp To Teach Robert Pattinson How To Be A Right Proper Cockney Geezer

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

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Fahk Orf Yeww Cahnnt!

Robert Pattinson has announced that he wants to follow the trend set by David Bowie, John Travolta, and Madonna before him by re-inventing himself as a proper 'Cockney Geezer' like Jack 'Sparrer' the famous drunken movie pirate.

And he's going to hire Johnny Depp to show him the ropes.

Which all seems a little topsy-turvy, considering that Johnny Depp is American, and Pattinson is already a Londoner, although not a proper Cockern-ee geezer.

We wondered what was going on here?

Johnny Depp explained that although Rob is a Londoner, he somehow lacks the chirpy cockney geezer gene as epitomised by Dick Van Dyke's groundbreaking portrayal of cockney chimmerny sweep, Bert, in Mary blinkin' Poppins. He also lacks the killer cocker-nee instincts of Elijah Wood - Frodo Baggins out of Lord Of The Rings - who played a proper cocker-nee football hoolie in the atrocious Green Street movie.

Depp went on to say that it would be a really big deal for Robert Pattinson to be empowered to walk in to a proper cockney boozer like The Salmon And Ball in Bethnal Green and say to the locals, things like:

"All-white me old China? 'Ow ya diddlin'? Got the whistle on coz I'm up in front of the beak innit. Cor blimey, lumme and Gord bless der Queen Mavver - Gawd rest 'er, sweet as, she wuz. 'Ad all 'er own teef - bit yeller mind, but they woz 'er own - an' vat woman nevvah scranned dahn on a doner in 'er 'ole Gawd given days. Gawd bless 'er. Wot chavin? Do what John? I'll fahkin spark yer inna minnit ya cahnt! Ow's the old trouble then John? Still fahkin' ver winder cleaner izzit? Vat Dick Van dyke fackah's got a lot to ansah fower. Der filfy fackah! Jass joshin John - leave it aht! Wot chavin? Oy John! Over 'ere you cahnt - I knows yer farver sahn! Ackshully I am yer fahkin fahva! Wot chavin mah sahn? Ignore vis lot, cahnts the lot of em! Wottizzit ven?"*

*Translation:

"How are you my friend? How is your penis? I am wearing a suit because I am about to appear in court before the magistrate.. Blimey. Love me and God bless the Queen Mother. God rest her soul, for she was surely as sweet as a nut. She had all her own teeth you know - a little yellowed with age, granted, but all her own nevertheless. And that Lady never gorged on junk food in her life. The blessing of the Lord be upon her. Would you care for a drink my friend? Don't prevaricate otherwise I shall be forced to render you into a state of unconsciousness. You big hairy vagina! By the way, how is your good lady wife today? Still having sex with the window cleaner, is she? That Dick Van Dyke has a lot to answer for, the dirty rotter, shagging the arse off Mary Poppins like he did. Bartender! I seek your attention, you big hairy vagina! I am acquainted with your father don't you know! What would you like to drink? Ignore these other people, they are all big hirsute vaginas."

Robert Pattinson admitted that to be able to talk like that in a down to earth East End boozer would be like a dream come true, like a reconnection with his roots. He said:

"That would be, like, just so cool. I mean, like cool beyond the boundaries of coolness. I mean, like, and I can't stress enough how cool that would be. When I first approached Johnny he was like...aagh! And I was like...aagh!...and then we were both just like...aagh! Kristen just can't like...get her head round shit like this."

Zzzzz

Later Robert, you feckin' uphill gardener.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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