Sun tabloid plumbs new depths of indecency

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Thursday, 8 April 2010


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More talented than Jedward: A house brick yesterday

The Sun newspaper came under fire from decency campaigners last night after abandoning its family principles and publishing a pair of tits on the front page.

Since 1970, the tits have always appeared on page three except in circumstances when a huge world news event - such as 9/11 - pricks its conscience enough to bump the "stunnah" to page seven.

But yesterday, newshounds were in a high state of excitement when news that "Jedward" aka John and Edward Grimes, both 19, had been unexpectedly hired to make a personal appearance at the closure of a high street stationery retailer in Tipton.

Chief staff writer, Bernard Sleaze - Jones said: "As soon as this came over the wire, we thought it was some kind of prank.

"But after some checking, it transpired that someone had actually been desperate enough to pay these two arseholes to make an appearance at their redundancy event."

Mr Sleaze - Jones took the story to the editor-in-chief, while in the newsroom, the story became unexpectedly huge.

The booking in Tipton clashed with a birthday party in Windsor for seven-year-old Lucy Iwont - Itnow who stamped her foot frantically until her wealthy parents gave in to her request for Jedward's presence at the bash.

"We couldn't believe it," continued Mr Sleaze - Jones. "A double booking is unheard of for this level of banality.

"It just had to be the lead story and we trawled our picture library for a suitable photo but we have to hold our hands up and admit that, whichever way you slice it, Jedward are just a whacking great pair of tits."

Jedward's fans - Mrs Susannah Grimes of Dublin, about 40 probably - was out when we called yesterday.

Vanilla Ice was also unavailable for comment yesterday having spectacularly dropped off the entertainment radar for the second time and scientific observers have confirmed that Louis Walsh serves no purpose at all.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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