YUCATAN, Mexico - Sean Penn was in the jungles of Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula on an expedition to the Mayan ruins of Los Frijoles Borrachos (The Drunken Beans) when he suddenly began to feel ill.
His Mayan guide Goopie Juarez noticed that Penn's face was taking on a greenish tint, much like the color of a bowl of avocado dip.
Goopie asked Penn if he was okay. Penn replied that yes he would like another Papaya Margarita thank you.
Goopie held up two fingers in front of Penn and asked him how many fingers was he holding up. Penn stared at him a while and asked if it was a trick question. Goopie asked why. And Penn replied, "Because you aren't holding up any fingers, you're holding up your toes."
Juarez realized that Penn was really effed up. He helped him into his rented Nicaraguan army jeep and drove him to the nearest medical clinic.
They soon arrived in the village of Iguana Chingona (The Big Iguana) and proceeded to the town's only clinic. Right away Penn and Juarez were met by the clinic's chief doctor, Dr. Saul Salsa-Verde.
Dr. Salsa-Verde instantly knew that that Penn was suffering from the dreaded Mayan Fiebre Chistosa, (The Mayan Humorous Fever.)
Penn asked Dr. Salsa-Verde what exactly the Mayan Fiebre Chistosa was. The doctor looked over at Goopie who was trying to keep from laughing. The doctor's nurse, Catalina De La Isla, was also trying to contain her laughter.
Sean stood up and asked why they were laughing. The doctor looked at Goopie and asked, "Señor Goopie, du ju wants to tell it to heem or du ju wants for me to tell it to heem?"
Goopie replied, "I cannot tells it tu heem because I will begin tu start to laugh my ass off, cause I know how I am. Perhaps dee lovely and big chi-chied nurse Catalina can tell it tu heem what it is will be happening soon to his ju-know-what."
Penn yelled out. "Okay illegal immigrants! someone better effen tell me what is going on and they better tell me soon, before I throw one of my patented Sean Penn Hollywood movie star temper tantrums."
The doctor hollered back, "First of all Mr. Chon Penn jur gringo ass ease is in our country of Mexico. Ju are not in Hollywood, America, so ju my short little Napoleon-complexioned friend are an illegal immigrant to us."
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry" Penn said. But please tell me what the Mayan Fibre Chistosa is."
Nurse Catalina, softly bit her upper lip. She smiled and told Penn to sit down. She then said that the MFC, as it is commonly called, was first discovered in 1491, one year before Columbus discovered America and two years before Roberto "Bobby" Mexico discovered Mexico.
She said that the Mayan Indians put a curse on the Spanish soldiers who invaded Mexico. The Mayan's knowing that all Spaniards think that they were God's gift to women cast a spell that made their diddly dippers (peckers) shrink in size from their normal six-inch size to a not-so-normal three-inch size.
She went on to tell Penn that by sunrise his winky-wink is going to look like her nine-year-old nephew Pablito's pee-peeta.
Penn jumped up screaming and hollering. He ran outside. He did not see the Iguana Chingona to Cozumel Bus that was barreling down the road at well over the posted speed limit.
The driver swerved to avoid hitting Penn, and instead he hit a piñata cart and piñatas of George Lopez, Woody Woodpecker (who is real big in Mexico) Selena Gomez, Sponge Bob Square Pants, and Mrs. Tony Parker (Eva Longoria-Parker) flew all over the place.
Local police placed Penn in handcuffs and he is presently in custody sitting in the Iguana Chingona Police Station waiting to be tried on charges of causing a bus to swerve and hit a cart loaded with extremely valuable piñatas.
One local resident said that he placed the value of the dozen or so damaged piñatas as somewhere around $29,000 (American).
The ICPD Chief of Police Hilario Del Barrio intercepted an email that Penn had sent to his hair stylist Mr. FuFi Fondue in Hollywood.
Del Barrio put the message on Mexico's JuTube. The email said that Penn hates the water, the salsa dip, and the constant shouts of "Ole! Ole! Ole!" as the jail is located next door to the town's bullring.
He also said that he hates Mariachi music, George Lopez CDs, and the fact that his peter has shrunk down to three inches, the same exact size as Kate Gosselin's ex-husband Jon's penis.
To see photos of the different piñatas that are available from The Pinatas 'R' Us Store in Iguana Chingona log on to www.pinatasuptheblank.olé
