Jesus claims Elton John 'isn't gay'

Written by Bill Licks

Friday, 19 February 2010

image for Jesus claims Elton John 'isn't gay'
Jesus - Just not Eltons type

After Elton John claimed that Jesus was a gay man in an interview he did for some magazine called Parade - not the British wank mag from the nineties but an American Sunday newspaper magazine apparently - Jesus has hit back in some quotations from the Bible suggesting that Elton John is not as gay as he would like the world to believe.

Elton John is famously married to a man 50 years his junior, called David. He also plays the piano which means he couldn't get much gayer if he tried. However, in the book of John from the New Testament, which Jesus dedicated to him and originally called the book of Elton John, there are a number of quotes that suggest Elton knocked back several of Jesus' advances.

In John 6:35, Jesus says, 'Empty, I am the bread of life'.

The bread Jesus talks of here is his very own love baguette which he offered to Elton after a night out on the town turning water into wine. Apparently Elton sobered up really quickly after hearing this cheeky one liner and ran home whilst Jesus was taking a piss in the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus also said in John 10:11, 'I am the Good Shepherd.'

This was the incident that happened after a hard day of baptizing when Jesus turned up at Elton's place dressed as a shepherd and carrying a pvc sheep outfit in his hand. Elton refused to dress up as a sheep claiming he didn't feel well after eating too many loaves and fish for lunch so once again Jesus was left frustrated.

Perhaps the most obvious proof that Elton John isn't gay comes from John 14:21 when Jesus says desperately, 'He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.'

It's believed that Jesus then let his robes drop to the floor to reveal his almighty 'resurrection' but an angry Elton responded. 'Just what part of NO don't you understand?' and stormed off to get smashed on some good old Holy Spirit. This left the Son of God so heart broken that he gave up eating and drinking for 40 days.

Both Jesus and Elton were unavailable for comment, however, it is believed the two still communicate to each other through the spirit of Princess Di.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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