Paul McCartney's Ex Heather Mills To Skate On Dancing On Ice

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

image for Paul McCartney's Ex Heather Mills To Skate On Dancing On Ice
The sign at the entrance to the ITV Studios where Dancing On Ice will be televised.

LONDON - Heather Mills, the ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney, will be one of 14 celebrity contestants competing in the 2010 edition of Dancing On Ice.

Mills received £24.3 million [$37.7 million U.S.] in her divorce settlement from the former Beatle.

The 41-year-old quasi-good looking Mills is excited to be able to get out of her East Sussex mansion and mingle with the commoners (as she refers to regular people).

One of Mills' maids, Virginia Brandywine, 38, said that she is glad to see "He-He," as she and the cook call her, finally getting out of the house and getting some sun.

Virgin, as the cook and Heather call Virginia, recently told Ms. Mills that she was starting to look a bit Swedish in the cheeks.

The cook Miles Sumptermead, 48, says that just last Monday he told Ms. Mills that if she doesn't start getting some sun people are going to be able to see her inners when she stands in front of a light.

"Sum-Sum" as Virgin and He-He call Sumptermead, said that lately the only thing that Ms. Mills has been eating are fried carrots smothered in fried celery.

Heather says that she decided to agree to appear on the Dancing On Ice show to show all of her critics that she is just not sitting in the counting room of her East Sussex mansion counting the tons and tons and tons of money she received from Pauly Pup, as she refers to McCartney.

The producer of DOI is Burgess Willowhouse, who has also produced two other very popular British reality shows, Dancing In The Water, and Dancing In One's Knickers.

Ironically the winner of last year's Dancing On The Water was Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole, and the winner of Dancing In One's Knickers was his wife X-Factor judge Cheryl Cole.

Also appearing with Ms. Mills will be Emily Atack, Tana Ramsay, and Danniella Westbrook.

The BBC is reporting that comedian Churchill Cornwallis has had to cancel his participation in this year's show due to the pending litigation in his lawsuit against Buckingham Palace.

Rugby super star Ambrose Huckaback of The Nottingham Sheriffs also had to cancel because of the upcoming divorce from his wife of seven years.

Huckaback reportedly caught his wife Roberta Rhonda engaging in a menage-a-trois with two of his fellow teammates Alston Syllabub and Huntington Huffinwicker.

Prince Charles' wife Camilla Bowles has also had to bow out of the Dancing On Ice competition due to a recent bout of tonsillitis coupled with a bout of dandruff.

The show will premier on January 15, 2010.

In other news. The North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has reportedly run out of missiles and has been looking on eBay for some used ones to purchase.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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