Black Eyed Peas star Apl.de.ap has confirmed the band has developed a drink problem to cope with their harrowing experience on last Saturday's show. Their tipple of choice is a pint of gin with a twist, or if that's not available a cocktail of Bacardi and Benylin.
Long-legged lead singer Fergie told our reporter: "I've never been one of those girls who fall out of clubs hammered at three in the morning. But from now on, you can book me a place in the gutter between Sarah Harding and Lilo."
A major row has been brewing ever since Lucie Jones was booted out in favour of the twin tunesters. "There's absolutely no fix" Simon Cowell insisted. "It's pure coincidence that I can't stand Lucie because she looks just like that arm-flapping warbler from last year's American Idol, Megan Joy."
Speaking outside London's Whisky Mist, Apl.de.ap slurred: "Jedward, Schmedward - my vote goes to Danyl. There's just something about the way he spells his name."