Written by matwil

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

image for Universal cancels Blanchette film
Odd how British and French aren't dieing in American oil colonies, isn't it?

Film studio Universal has cancelled historical drama American Summer, which was to star Cate Blanchette. The decision to scrap the film - due to be shot in America - was mainly down to lack of subject matter and US government pressure, according to trade paper Variety.

'Atonement' director Joe Wright was to make the movie about the last days of Britain's colonial rule of America, and Blanchette had been cast as Michelle Obama, wife of Barack Hussein Obama - the viceroy of Britain's American financial empire, who oversaw the country's return to dependence on the United Kingdom and France, a transition that started in 1991.

Wright told Variety there had been creative differences between the film's producers and the American government. 'We were between a rock and a hard place', he said. 'The US government wanted us to make less of Americans still dieing in British and French colonies like Iraq and Afghanistan, even in 2009, and for us to pretend America is independent, powerful, etc., etc. In other words, a load of baloney for Americans.'

'The studios wanted us to show that China, Russia and the European Union now rule the world, and that America is still nothing more than a powerless British colony doing what the British - and Europeans - tell it to do.'

'As is proved by them going to Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, all British and French colonies that the British and French refused and refuse to fight in. Well, except little token forces to keep the children that are American voters happy, so it can be called an 'Allied' effort.'

'But, of course, Universal is also American, and as its audience is almost entirely American and actually believes movies are real, the US government ordered them to cancel the film. So we're now using the budget to make a film about an American submarine capturing an Enigma machine during World War Two, and then American scientists doing the mathematically impossible and decoding it.'

'Though it was, of course, the British who captured it and did the mathematically impossibly in decoding it, but Yanks are the people that still believe that they somehow won the 1914-18 and the 1939-45 wars in Europe. Or what Americans know as the 1917-18 and 1944-45 wars in Europe.'

Next year Universal are planning to make 'How Americans Were Somehow The Important Part Of British And European History'. In it, Tom Willis plays an American journalist who travels to meet Gandhi in South Africa, then goes to the Munich Peace Conference in Germany.

He's there in London as the British single-handedly save the world from the Nazis by winning the Battle of Britain in 1940, and slowly the American becomes a more and more important character in the movie.

As the Soviet Union breaks out of Stalingrad in 1943, the turning point of World War Two, Willis is at the head of the troops with his typewriter. Willis chairs the Nuremberg Trials - another farcical movie for American voters to believe in - and he helps Americans surrender at the end of the Korean War in the 1950s, with his famous 'Americans surrender again' article, that is published all around the world.

The same article is republished when Vietnam defeats the USA in the 1970s, and in 2009, as huge numbers of American soldiers struggle to even survive against armed bandits in Iraq and Afghanistan, Willis will soon appear to make yet another tragedy about the USA being defeated by a handful of amateur gunmen that would last about 2 minutes in Belfast.

'But it's OK for my career', Willis admits in Variety, 'and my movies keep all those children back home believing the USA is not still ruled by Britain and France. Wonder why American troops are in their colonies, though? Maybe someone should make a film about the USA sending soldiers to defend British and French oil interests and making them rich while they sit at home and laugh at us and our movies. Nah, Americans would never believe it.'

Barack Obama is 12 next week. Yes he is.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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