In a last-ditch effort to ensure that the scrag-ends of her disintegrating life remain in the public eye for as long as humanly possible, Kerry Katona yesterday asked for help in tracking down what has happened to her 'missing millions'.
"I've earned f**king millions," said Ms Katona, "an' I wanna know what the f**kin' 'ell 'as 'appened to it all!"
Detective Inspector Boris Grinning-Catt of the Cheshire Constabulary confirmed that Ms Katona, 28, had sought the assistance of the police in order to get to the bottom of what has happened to the money.
It is anticipated that a specialist police search team will be assembled in the next few days. DI Grinning-Catt, however, is supremely confident that the answer to Ms Katona's question will inevitably be found up what remains of her nose.