Kerry Katona Has Radiation Sickness

Funny story written by Roy Turse

Thursday, 27 August 2009

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Allegations of drug abuse, assault, drunkenness, bi-polar disorder, nose erosion and breast reduction have blighted Kerry Katona over the last year or so, but now new evidence has thrown new light on the situation.

It seems that Miss Katona's problems may stem from overdoses of radiation she received as an Atomic Kitten in the late nineties. The band was put together by Andy McCluskey from eighties band Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, who is believed to be highly radioactive since working on Enola Gay.

By the time Kerry Katona left Atomic Kitten in 2001, it is thought she had been exposed to excessive levels of radiation from McCluskey, nicknamed Dr. Manhattan by his friends at the IAEA. Of the three original members of Atomic Kitten, Katona and Heidi Range (now a Sugarbabe) refused to wear the radiation suits that were prescribed. Range left almost immediately after suffering what is now believed to have been the early stages of radiation sickness, and all other band members have worn the protective suits when meeting McCluskey.

Katona's increasingly irrational behaviour and physical decline may all be due to the effects of radiation, and the press and public are being urged not to judge her harshly.

Unfortunately, not everyone has heeded this call for restraint. Iceland, the frozen food company, has recently sacked Kerry Katona from their advertising campaigns, and Iceland, the country, has recently excluded her from entry due to their non-nuclear proliferation policy.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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