PYONGYANG, North Korea - We've all heard about the double-rainbow that heralded Kim Jong-il's birth. We've heard about his knack for hitting holes-in-one at will and the operas he's composed, listened to the tales of his remarkable sexual prowess and his fabulous riches, Marvel-ed at his ability to leap Capitalist buildings in a single bound. Well, forget all of that stuff - this Cold War throwback makes some mean Korean BBQ!
Judges' taste buds reportedly "went into meltdown" for the Dear Leader's incendiary entries into the Sixtieth Annual North Korean BBQ Blowout in Pyongyang. The national competition draws entries from across the nation of 24 million, and competition is red-hot.
Many believed Kim Jong-il would not even place as it was his first time to enter the historic competition. However, judges noted his "novel use of nuclear radiation" to grill the meat, rather than traditional charcoal, imbued the cuts with "subtle acrid overtones that stood in sharp contrast against the usual smoky flavors."
The Dear Leader garnered compliments not only for his fiery Mushroom Cloud Dipping Sauce, but won even higher praise for his fusion of marinades, a combination of ganjang (Korean soy sauce), garlic, sugar and a top-secret blend of herbs. His most heavily guarded secrets, however, are the innovative nuclear fermentation method used to craft his award winning ganjang-based soy marinades, and his hickory-smoke-enriched uranium.
According to the judges, his nuclear beef short ribs were "a fallout" that, "while apparently being only slightly overcooked, were still sizzling and popping furiously, and glowing a ghostly yellow-green." Judges noted that their Geiger counters were "clicking like nobody's business."
His radioactive pork short ribs fared better, being "perfectly cooked, but in the end, just a little too fatty." All the judges agreed he should have selected a better cut of pork. Nevertheless, for his clever use of nuclear grilling technology, as well as his outstanding marinade and dipping sauce, they awarded him Third Place for the effort.
Though not placing in the Best Overall category, Kim Jong-il received a check for 25,000 won (about $180 US dollars) for his single placing entry. He said he is "honored" by the recognition and will use the money to continue his quest to perfect his new Radioactive Korean BBQ technique.
