Velma From Scooby Doo: "I'm A Lesbian"

Funny story written by Tess Tickles

Wednesday, 6 May 2009


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Scooby nowadays.

Velma from Scooby Doo has finally come clean about her sexuality in a revealing interview with Dyke magazine.

"I'm a lesbian and proud", reveals Velma, who has retired from private investigation to focus on her acting career, admitting that she hopes to gain a role in Ugly Betty.

"I had a brief fling with Shaggy, but that ended badly. He didn't seem to care. He didn't bathe. He didn't shave. He was always hanging out with that stupid dog. I mean, he actually talked to the dog more than me. I finally gave him an ultimatum and he choose Scooby saying he was 'better looking and better in bed', whatever the fuck that means. Shaggy is pretty fucking weird. He put me off men for good."

She then started having feelings for Daphne.

"She's a doll, but once I tried to kiss her in the back of the van when no one else was around and she slapped me. She said she only had feelings for Fred. I forgave her, but I had to tell her that Fred was gay, which he was, and that he fancied Shaggy, which he did. The result was a lot of sexual confusion and tension and this was only heightened when we found Scooby having sado-masochistic sex with Scrappy. It was pretty fucked up."

Despite the stress, Velma says she enjoyed her time working with the gang and is proud of all the cases they solved.

"People have tried to discredit us, saying that we didn't really do anything but run around and take someone's mask off at the end. Well, that's bullshit. There was a lot of forensics, DNA processing and statements taken behind the scenes. The critics are just jealous of our success. We've had to take a lot of shit from guys like Dog the Bounty Hunter, who is basically just a watered down rip-off of Scooby Doo."

Velma also stated that she is engaged to be married soon, but was coy when Ellen Degeneres was proposed as her mystery spouse.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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