Written by Elliott Peters

Friday, 22 August 2008

image for Kim Carnes Returns with "Marty Feldman Eyes"
Kim Carnes Attempts To Imitate Marty Feldman and Fails

Anybody remember one hit wonder Kim Carnes? You know, that gravel voiced masculine looking blonde woman who had a huge hit in the early 80's with "Bette Davis Eyes"? Well, according to the latest issue of Boredbill magazine, she is making a comeback.

Kim (65) said, "The idea came when Mark Ronson approached me about remixing my old hit. Unfortunately, Mr Ronson wanted 98 percent of the royalties so I told him to get lost".

Mark Ronson has not been seen since.

Carnes realising that her old hit is a big one with the gay market, decided it was perhaps time to update the song. She approached producer Rick Rubin who has had enormous success reviving the careers of many a has been rock star, but Rubin didn't like the smell of her perfume and ran away.

Enter ex ELO legend, the perma permed Jeff Lynne who helped The Beatles reform in the mid 90s. Lynne confessed he hated "Bette Davis Eyes" because it kept his band's classic hit "Hold On Tight" from the number one spot. However when he saw Carnes' bank balance, he reconsidered and signed up.

"It was lucky that Kim's parents left her a huge inheritance. My fees are high... time is money yer know so when I saw that Kim could afford my services, I abandoned work on Ringo Starr's next live album and gave Kim my all," chirped the ever smiling Lynne.

He went on, "We had to bring the song into the noughties and aim it at the gay market, so a gender change was necessary".

Problem was, which male stars eyes would be striking enough to replace those of Bette Davis. Lynne had the answer - "I'm British and I love my old British comedies. My old band The Idle Grape once played on Marty Feldmans' TV show and lets face it, nobody's eyes were more striking than his."

Unfortunately, Feldman passed away in 1982, but Lynne ever ready insisted it would be an ideal time to "pay tribute to Marty" and so the song was totally re-recorded to incorporate the new lyrics. "It's fab... it deserves to be a big hit and put Kim back into the charts, and introduce a forgotten comedian to young poofters of today who will love his work. Kim is totally irrelevent... she will never have another hit but hey... that's the price of fame you know."

"Marty Feldman Eyes" by Kim Carnes is now available on Crapitol Records and should be found in a fast food joint near you.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: eyes, Bette Davis

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