Big Brother housemates to be fed their own poo

Funny story written by Angus McFiddle

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

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The housemates for the 2008 series of Big Brother are to be fed their own poo, as part of a new range of humiliations planned by producers.

Instead of food and cigarettes, the housemates will be told that they have to eat their own poo to survive, and drink their wee. If they refuse, they will be punished.

The show's producers have been trying to come up with new ideas to generate conflict in the house to make the show watchable. Audiences have been declining year on year, and only 20% of the original audience that watched the show now watches it.

"They have to do something to make it more entertaining," said Big Brother expert Wayne Kerr. "Starving them and making them eat poo is a good idea. I think they should also electrocute them from time to time."

Three-time Big Brother auditionee Sharon Wanabee told us, "I'd love to go in the house. I'd eat my own poo if it got me in there cos I want to be famous innit, and I'd love to have my own chat show 'n' that."

But Mary Whitehouse, the TV critic who died many years ago, is not happy about the plans. Turning in her grave, yesterday, she wailed, "Making them eat their own poo is a stupid stupid plan. They should at least be made to swap poos so they have to eat each other's and guess whose is whose."

TV executives are excited about the start of the new series. "We have so many channels and programme slots to fill now," said one, "that we're running out of low-budget nobodies to present our crap programmes, so we're looking forward to a new crop of people who would do anything to be famous."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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