Scorsese: "Westlife are Next"

Funny story written by Amateur Scribe

Tuesday, 15 April 2008

image for Scorsese: "Westlife are Next"
"You Lookin' at Me??"

Following the success of his recent Rolling Stones Rockumentary, Shine a Light, veteran director Martin Scorsese has decided to stick with the music theme for his next epic.

Westlife Sleep With the Fishes will see the Oscar-winning Scorsese go back to his mafia roots as he charts the career of syrupy balladeers Westlife and their little-known connections with Irish organised crime.

While the first half will be a conventional biopic on the boyband's rise to fame - the second act ushers in some darker, wish-fulfilment fantasy as the irritating crooners are all dispatched in increasingly gruesome fashion, aping classic scenes from Scorsese's impressive back-catalogue.

The action hots up at a concert in Dublin. As the boys rise up off their stools for a trademark key change, a shadowy loner known only as "Travis" picks off Kian Egan with a single sniper's bullet between the eyes, while mumbling something about Jodie Foster.

The remaining members of the group are soon on the run from the mob and there is more ultra-violence when Mark Feehily and Nicky Byrne are skewered onto hooks and hung up in a meat freezer after a trembling rendition of Flying Without Wings fails to placate a rogue mob of Sicilian Wiseguys who have been "disrespected" in a New Jersey pizza parlour.

Later, in a nod to Casino, Ronan Keating (not strictly a member of Westlife, but many will forgive Scorsese the artistic licence) is lured out to a remote part of the Nevada desert with promises of a Stephen Gately reunion, only to be pummelled to death with a baseball bat by a psychopathic mob hood called "Mad Mickey" (a beautifully understated Joe Pesci).

"I didn't think we could possibly get a reference to The Last Temptation of Christ in there," Scorsese admitted, "but hats off to the screen-writers who managed to shoe-horn that scene near the end where Bryan McFadden is nailed to a cross to atone for our sins."

The director did not want to give too much away about the climactic finale, during which lead Westlife warbler and fans favourite Shane Filan is involved in a deadly game of hide and seek with Robert DeNiro's vengeful mafia boss.

"I had to break out the steadycam for that badboy," Scorsese said with a chuckle. "Let's just say young Shane has no difficulty hitting the high notes during the scene with the stretching rack and the cattle-prod."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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