Written by queen mudder

Friday, 1 February 2008

image for Winehouse phantom pregnancy after Doherty 'ghosts' animal-husbandry role
Womb-with-a-view: Winehouse gets tested

London - (Dysfunctional Mess): Amy Winehouse is up the duff. And Babyshambles party-animal Pete Doherty is the chief suspect after 'ghosting' matrimonial duties during Amy's husband's incarceration at HMP Belmarsh.

A standard rehab detox wing piss test today has shown Winehouse is nine weeks pregnant, exactly twelve weeks since husband Flake Bleeder-Weevil was banged up on remand on trial-fixing charges.

Winehouse has repeatedly sworn blind she's staying celibate until hubby is released, buoyed that the couple's prenup states "shagging Pete Doherty isn't adultery".

The contractual smallprint also reveals a clause that phantom pregnancies can occur naturally when an absent husband is 'ghosted' by an approved substitute.

"Bleedin' miraculous, that's what it is," the singer claimed to her Mum today. "Promise ya won't tell Flakie 'til I've schmoozed him on a matrimonial."

Meanwhile in Belmarsh's psych unit Bleeder-Weevil is reported to have 'found Jesus' after detoxing from crack and being put on Largactil.

Amy's husband has also undergone what's been described as extensive psychic surgery under the hands of the slammer's physio-masseur Big Dick Squeezebelly, with whom he is said to have formed a close physical attachment.

"Sometimes when these crackheads clean up they get insights into their leanings," a prison source said today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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