Jilted Ken tells of "living hell with Barbie"

Written by Barry Subchimp

Tuesday, 23 March 2004

image for Jilted Ken tells of "living hell with Barbie"
Shell of a man: Ken has hit hard times since his well publicised break-up with Barbie.

IT WAS with tears in his synthetic eyes that plastic American icon Ken opened his heart to The Spoof this week, as the recently dumped male doll revealed the "raging drug fueled attacks" he regularly suffered at the hands of his former girlfriend Barbie.
"I knew it was over when I saw the pictures of her with Action Man on the front page of The Spoof," he sobbed.
The bombshell dropped last Monday, when Barbie was photographed in the back garden of her Dream Holiday Home with Action Man after she had stripped him down to his blue plastic pants.
Despite the overwhelming evidence of her adultery, Ken says he still tried to make ammends.
"I told her we could work it out and everything would be ok again," he said, "but when I saw she had a drink in her hand, I knew I was going to get hurt."
"Kids think that in the adverts when she sits on the sunlounger of her Dream Holiday Home with a cocktail glass, its just fruit juice, but when we filmed most of those adverts she was too drunk to even stand," revealed the nine-inch-high-star.
"She started screaming at me, saying that we were through, and she slapped me a few times before holding a magnifying glass to my face in the midday sun for five minutes. Being an inanimate doll, I was unable to move myself out of the heat, which made my face go all black and melty," wept the pint-sized closet case.
"I thought that my modelling career was over, and that the scars would never heal, but luckilly a replacement doll was bought, and I sit here before you today a new man!"
And Evil Barbie's cruel torture didn't stop at facial melting. The Blonde-black-widow regularly scarred Ken both physically and emotionally just to amuse herself.
"Once, when she had been snorting castor sugar, I tried to talk some sense into her and get her to quit," he whined. "So she gave me to the dog who ran round the house with me in its mouth before burrying me in the garden.
"After several months I began to hallucinate, and believed I was dead. It was only by chance that I was dug up again during a spring clean in the garden."
But Ken says what hurt most was the mental torture.
"Another time when she was on the rag, I accidentally put a knife in the fork drawer, so she phoned the police and told them that I was a kiddy diddler who had done all of the Bratz dolls in one night.
"I had to go through so many degrading interviews, until police realised I was innocent dropped the charges."
But Ken revealed exclusively to The Spoof that Barbie is not what she seems.
"She's been around for over 50 years, and she's had more than a few cosmetic changes to keep up with the times, I can tell you! And it may shock you to learn that her hair isn't even real."
But tougher times have now fallen on Ken, as the world's most famous divorcee comes to terms with his new life alone.
"I'm taking it one day at a time. She may still have the house, yacht, car, limo, stable, and helicopter, but for now I'm happy living in a toybox underneath some Transformers and a MY Little Pony with the head chewed off. Some would say it sounds harsh, but I'm content with who I am. I'll never go back, ever. I'm happy to be away from her.
"I'll be right back, I'm just going to check my answer machine to see if she called."
Ken then rushed back to the answering machine every five minutes to find that no one had contacted him.
New Divorced Ken is available now from Matel, priced £12.99, featuring greasy unkempt hair, stubble, stained mack, holed sweatshirt, no socks, burst shoes, and comes equipped with a free park bench and can of Special Brew.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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