[Washington] Raymone K. Bain announced today that Michael Jackson has finally finished scratching his spotted parts and is ready to begin working on the Hurricane Katrina Charity Single.
Over two years ago, before the bodies had even bubbled up to the oily surface of the flood waters, Mr. Jackson promised the hurricane victims that he was going to make a charity record to bring them "oodles and snoodles and poodles" of dollars "minus production costs, of course" to soothe their troubled souls.
In the intervening years, however, Mr. Jackson has bought lots of tacky watches, spent many months rooming with a Saudi Prince with an all-boy harem, crashed ladies rest rooms and forced other people to carry his umbrella and children for him but there hasn't been one note written or recorded.
Ms. Bain also announced that the following people have been contacted and contracted to help Mr. Jackson with his new record: R Kelly, OJ Simpson, Robert Blake, Phil Spector, The Cookie Monster, James Brown, Krusty the Clown, Michael Vicks, Pavarotti, Charlie Chaplin, Donald Trump, Donald Duck, Allah, Mohammed, Buddha, Jehovah, Lillith, Peter Pan, Dopey, Doc, Sleepy, Tinkerbell, Walt Disney, Webster, that Home Alone kid, what's-his-name, who's all grown up, really creepy looking and drugged out, Danny Bonaduce, Nikola Tesla, The Angry Chef, Scott Peterson, Michael Peterson, the paperboy and all his little friends, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and Rosanne Barr.
When it was pointed out that some of those people are dead and others aren't even real people, Ms. Bain stormed out of the meeting yelling, "Mr. Jackson will be contacting what's left of his lawyers to file a conspiracy lawsuit against those of you who doubt his word!"
After a loud but muffled conference with her client in the hallway, Ms. Bain re-entered the room and said, "Mr. Jackson would like to further announce that along with the charity single, he is personally willing to adopt orphaned children from Hurricane Katrina. These children should be brown to white skinned, 6-9 years old, nice looking, male and have no living relatives anywhere. 'Bee stung' lips are a bonus. No further questions."
On a related note: Michael Jackson's youngest child, Blanket, hasn't been seen since the last time Mr. Jackson stayed in a fourth floor hotel room. An Amber Alert may be issued later today.
