Reading, Berks - (Ass Mess): Camden Lock's very own Monkey Nutz band will headline Friday's opening session of the Reading Festival after Amy Doghouse pulled out at the last minute suffering from an inexplicable bout of sobriety, menstrual damp and Britney-syndrome headlice.
Also on Friday's line-up are another North London local band, the all-girl combo Crotch-Ferret - formerly backing vocals singers with Halitosis, Slovenian rap artistes Douchebag, Canadian boy-band Pus Conundrum, the nouveau heavy-metal sensation Bismuth Brothers and Middlesboro's very own Gangrene Sandwich.
Reading organisers have warned festival goers to bring their own submersibles and camping rafts after the fields where the music is staged became flooded in six feet of water following the annual deluge known as the official Great British summer.
The three day event kicks off on Friday and is expected to attract over 100,000 fans each paying an average of £90 per person per day.
"But for that kinda money you get real value," festival sources said today, "including festival facilities such as access to at least one dozen chemical lavatories - a 100% increase on last year folks! - organic, freetrade indigenous=species mosquitos, countryside atmosphere and at least one skunk dealer per every five music fans!
"Now where else - apart from the Nottingh Hill Carnval, WOMAD, the Glastonbury festival, Glyndebourne's Oldie Ravers Weekend and the Last Night of the Proms - can you guarantee that level of customer satisfaction???"
Pete Doherty is 29.